I'm feeling better about God these days. I had an epiphany a few days ago and a lot of the anger I was harbouring towards him is gone. (I'm betting he likes me a lot more now too.)
I'd kind of hoped that when the anger faded some of the sorrow would go along with it, but it seems the lack of anger has just left more room for pain. Without the anger to focus on (and the relentless "Why, God?? Why??" loop that was playing over and over in my mind) there's more space in my head for me to simply miss my son like crazy.
I just wish I could cuddle him one last time -- now, now that I'm healthy and lucid. I would stare at him and memorize every feature. I'd smell him -- I'd drink in his scent so I'd never forget it. I'd look at his tiny, perfect hands and feet and kiss every finger and toe. I'd touch his face, feeling the downy softness of the little man my beloved and I made.
I wish I could have him back for just one sweet moment. Mostly I wish that somehow I could have protected him so that we could have had him for a whole lifetime.