Monday, April 13, 2009

This 'n that. Photo essay style.

See? I've been doing stuff - honest! I just haven't been talking about it much.

I'm sure I'll find my voice again. I'm just mulling and musing.

I'm good at mulling. Some may call it over-thinking, dwelling or obsessing. But I prefer to call it by less distasteful, more benign names.

Even if they're secretly all one in the same.

P.S. Thanks to My Beloved for the most excellent photographic stylings.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

She's alive!!!!

I have no reasonable excuse for my unprecedented two week absence. And no, I wasn't biding my time before coming back with a spectacular long-awaited announcement either.

Same old same old. Busted uterus. Fucked up periods. Cycle number 62 halfway in the bag.

And so I just haven't had much to say. I think there comes a time in every loss blog when this happens, particularly when a subsequent successful pregnancy fails to materialize.

Most loss blogs eventually morph back into pregnancy blogs and then baby blogs and then parenting blogs. Still, of course, with lingering sorrow and grief issues woven throughout.

But this one? This one never seems to change. And I'm not sure where to go from here.

I don't feel done, exactly, I'm just not sure what's left to say. At least not right now when I'm still sitting in a childless limbo, unsure of exactly where we're headed.

Direction should help.

I'm just having a little trouble nailing that down.

Until then it feels like I'm spinning my wheels. Talking about the same things over and over and over.

Which, to be honest, I'm perfectly happy to do. But I worry that this is all I'll ever be if I continue to focus on it. I am more than a bereaved parent. And I'm slowly moving back into the world from whence I came before five small souls drifted in and out of our world without a sound.

But in the meantime, while I straddle these two worlds, I find it hard to know what to say in this little corner of the universe. And so, obviously, I'm struggling with regularity. As far as blogging goes, that is.

But I'll be around. In fact I'm here every single day.

I'm just not sure I'll be here as often.

But who knows. I've been wrong in the past.

Plenty wrong.