Wednesday, April 01, 2009

She's alive!!!!

I have no reasonable excuse for my unprecedented two week absence. And no, I wasn't biding my time before coming back with a spectacular long-awaited announcement either.

Same old same old. Busted uterus. Fucked up periods. Cycle number 62 halfway in the bag.

And so I just haven't had much to say. I think there comes a time in every loss blog when this happens, particularly when a subsequent successful pregnancy fails to materialize.

Most loss blogs eventually morph back into pregnancy blogs and then baby blogs and then parenting blogs. Still, of course, with lingering sorrow and grief issues woven throughout.

But this one? This one never seems to change. And I'm not sure where to go from here.

I don't feel done, exactly, I'm just not sure what's left to say. At least not right now when I'm still sitting in a childless limbo, unsure of exactly where we're headed.

Direction should help.

I'm just having a little trouble nailing that down.

Until then it feels like I'm spinning my wheels. Talking about the same things over and over and over.

Which, to be honest, I'm perfectly happy to do. But I worry that this is all I'll ever be if I continue to focus on it. I am more than a bereaved parent. And I'm slowly moving back into the world from whence I came before five small souls drifted in and out of our world without a sound.

But in the meantime, while I straddle these two worlds, I find it hard to know what to say in this little corner of the universe. And so, obviously, I'm struggling with regularity. As far as blogging goes, that is.

But I'll be around. In fact I'm here every single day.

I'm just not sure I'll be here as often.

But who knows. I've been wrong in the past.

Plenty wrong.


Mrs. Spit said...

Well, I still like you.

Ann Smith said...

I love reading whatever you write here, because you are a wonderful writer, and I share your limbo in my own life and question where to go next.
Please don't go away, unless you feel it would be best for you. I'd miss your voice.

Catherine said...

As long as you're around somewhere so I can stalk you. :o)

Scrappy_Lady said...

I've missed you, but have seen you in your other blog, so I knew you were around.

Blogs morph because people do, too, I think.

Much love from the Midwest.

Heather said...

Well, as a new member to the club, and being that your blog was the very first blog I ever read and what inspired me to start blogging, I have to beg you not to go. To read your journey over the last 4 years, to see how you've morphed, how your live has changed how you've learned to cope, and gives me hope. Hope that one day I won't wake up every morning with a gutteral scream on my lips for my dead son. Hope that one day I won't have much to say. Hope that life will in fact go on, and I will go on right along with it...because I have to, because everyone does. Hope that every year will put a little more distance between me and my horror and that this distance will one day make life bearable again. I get that hope from you. You survived. Here you are, 4 years later...still breathing, still living, still coping...still blogging. I love reading your blog, even if you don't post as often as you once did. So there. There's once more legacy that George has left, you give me hope. I don't get much of that anywhere else.

Heather said...

No pressure or anything though! ;)

Doodle - said...

I read your post and had to let it marinate in my brain....

I thought and thought and thought about how to put into words what I want to say and I still can't figure it out. So I will tell you what popped into my head 4 days ago.

I understand.

Please do what YOU need to do. Be who YOU need to be.


Julie said...

I am also a mum of a Thomas who dwells in heaven. I love reading blogs and I have only just found yours. I am so relieved to hear that people morph and so do blogs. That means that grief morphs too.
I love the crochet blog. Where are all the motifs going to go?

Jaded Girl said...

i get caught in that thought process, especially when i realized that i only posted in my blogs when i was missing my girls. my blog came to be this miserable place that does not truly represent me and the good days i have so now i just incorporate all of me in it, or at least i try.
you make this blog what you want to make of it and i as another loss momma know that you are more than your losses. i know that you play other roles even as you love your son mightly.