Monday, March 29, 2010

I never prepared for this

But then again, who does? Who can?

My dad is in the hospital. Three weeks tomorrow. Last weekend he nearly died from septic shock after somehow contracting pneumonia, a blood infection, and a urinary tract infection.

He was this close to being released. This close to being back home in his chair in the window. In his own bed. In his little garden checking for spring buds.

Now sometimes he doesn't even know who I am. His blue eyes stare blankly back at me without so much as a flicker of recognition. This morning he thought he was talking to his mother on the phone. She's been dead for 44 years. He was talking to my mom.

I'm not prepared for this.

The staff seems nonplussed by his confusion. They brush it off and hint vaguely that it should go away once his body finishes fighting so hard.

His brief moments of lucidity keep me sane. But they're few and far between and until we get definitive word from his ever-elusive doctor that this will go away, I can barely breathe.

Three weeks ago tomorrow was Thomas' birthday. We spent it in the ER watching my dad gasp for breath in the morning, then cleaning up the mess the paramedics made of my mom and dad's house in the afternoon.

I'm not equipped for this.

I'm just not.

18 comments:

Catherine said...

Nobody is. Just try to hang in there. {{{hugs}}}

Beruriah said...

Oh good lord. It's been so long since I've posted here. I'm only beginning my foray back into blogging.

Who is equipped for this? It's triply cruel when someone is sick and becomes so confused on top of it. It's quadruply cruel that you had to spend Thomas's birthday in the ER and contemplating losing your father on the same day.

I'm so sorry. I hope for the best for you, and your family.

Marcia said...

I hate it when life doesn't make any sense. I hate when nothing seems right and everything hurts. I'm very sorry for your dad's illness.

E. Phantzi said...

Good lord, how completely awful. I hope your dad will pull through.

Rosepetal said...

This is too hard. I'm sorry you're going through so much Kristin. I wish a speedy recovery for your Dad with all my heart. (((hugs)))

kate said...

I have nothing but ((((hugs))))). You know i am thinking of you & your dad, and sending prayers.

Alex said...

I'm so sorry.

Illanare said...

I'm so sorry.

Terynn said...

I am so sorry for your waves of pain and well, more pain.

Prayers for it to be, as the nurses have suggested it will be, that he will recover mentally as soon as his body doesn't have to fight so hard.

Ruby said...

I'm so sorry.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending love and hugs...

Hennifer said...

You are so right, no one can ever be truly prepared. I'll be thinking of you and your family. I'm sorry the timing is equally awful.

Kristen said...

I'm so very and deeply sorry. There's really nothing to say - except prayers are being sent your way - along with big fat hugs. And a lot of virtual chocolate.
It's never ever easy to lose a parent. To see them struggle. I hate with every fiber of my being that you are going through this. I know horrid this is.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family.

Sherry said...

I wish I couldn't relate to what you're feeling, but I can, since this was how we spent Ryan's first birthday, not knowing if/when my dad would be alright. It's hard to watch parents struggle in their later years, but when the timing so weirdly coincides with something as big as Thomas' birthday, it's all the more puzzling how life works the way it does and why it chooses to kick us when we're already down and trying to catch our breath.

Lots of hugs for you and continued prayers for your dad's recovery.

Michele said...

Oh I am so sorry. Sending prayers for your family.

Nancy said...

Kristen,
Every situation is different but several of my older relatives including my father have been hospitalized for urinary tract infections and become so confused and disoriented that you've thought they've had a stroke or fast acting dementia. Once the infection was gone their reasoning came completely back. Please take heart that things could be fine once he's feeling better.

loribeth said...

Nobody is. I'm sorry. :(

Rosepetal said...

Still thinking of you and your family xxx

Polka Dot said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through. And that your dad does, too.