I could not sleep last night. I used every last one of my special Jedi mind tricks to try to calm down and lull myself to sleep, but my stubborn brain fought off each and every attempt until well past 2:00am when I finally, mercifully, conked out.
As a result, I'm operating in a general haze of stupidness today.
Thus I am perfectly primed for The Bachelor Pad tonight.
Yeah, that's right - I watch crap reality TV that actually makes me stupider for having watched it. And I don't care. It will give my racing brain something else to digest tonight instead of my own worries. With any luck my noggin, thoroughly drunk on garbage-y TV, will burp, fart, and pass out early.
I'm going to the premiere of The King's Speech at the Toronto International Film Festival next week. Colin Firth - who owes me $40 for last year's The Picture of Dorian Gray premiere that I went to ONLY because he was going to there, except that he wasn't (!!!) - will be in attendance too.
Yeah, that's right - I'm going to the movies with Colin Firth.
I had a great idea this morning. Or maybe it was last night. I don't know, I'm too stupid to remember right now.
Anyway, I thought it would be excellent to make a point of doing something every month that we wouldn't be able to do if we had kids. Not to rub our flexibility and ability to be spontaneous in the faces of those who have to rely on babysitters and plan for early evenings, but to make sure we actually make good use of this life we were given.
We didn't choose it, but it's just sitting here, all wiiiiiide open. And it seems criminal not to use up every last drop of it.
And so that's my new plan.
Almost six months ago I thought for sure my dad was going to die. A few weeks later, he almost did. And a few weeks after that, he started to crash again while My Beloved and I stood in the hallway outside his hospital room staring stupidly at each other. Helpless.
Today I gave him a kiss on the cheek while he sat at the kitchen table eating his meatball sandwich before dialysis.
I remain in endlessly grateful awe that he's still here.
I have an adoption post rattling about in my head that I will endeavor to spit out soon.
We are the circus freaks of the infertility world, we black sheep* who choose childlessness over adoption. At best we are objects of curiosity. At worst, we are harshly judged - usually by those who have never had to make these sorts of decisions under these kinds of extraordinary circumstances.
But there are reasons - really good, solid reasons - why we are walking this path instead of the one others may think we should have taken.
And one day I'll talk about it.
But not today. I'm too tired.
*Totally stole "black sheep" from Pamela over at Silent Sorority .