I feel like I owe the world an apology for the way I sometimes see things. For my occasional inability to find joy where everyone else does. For my penchant for feeling gut twisting jealousy when I have no business doing so. For my angry thoughts. For my twisted sense of logic. For my inability to pray. For my lost patience. For my tempers and moods and self pity.
Or maybe I do have the right to see life through these jaded eyes but just have trouble making the justifiable fit into the nice, pretty, organized world around me. The world that doesn't like to think that people feel the way I do sometimes, justified or not.
You know, I worry incessantly that I'm turning into someone ugly and bitter that people are eventually going to opt not to be around.
Which then makes me want to fall to my knees in a tear and snot filled frenzy and beg for forgiveness.
When I try not to be the ugly person I am inside during these moments of torment, I end up feeling like a fraud. And a confused one. Is trying to be a better person actually not being true to yourself? Is trying to change the way you feel about something lying or healing? Can you re-train your brain after something so earth shatteringly tragic has altered it?
I never used to be like this. I swear I didn't.
I'm at war with my head today. Can you tell?
I don't fault other people who are grieving and recovering for the feelings they have or their reactions to the ordinary that is suddenly anything but. I never have. But for some reason I have a hard time cutting myself the same slack.
Ugh.
I think I need a cookie. That's the only answer. Clearly.
So, you know, if you have a really good recipe that you're willing to share and you feel so inclined, I'm all ears.
I could use the distraction...
(You can't see it, but I'm furiously batting my eyelashes here - and I'm not too proud to pout...)
10 comments:
I'm not a baker, but the cookies at Whole Foods rule. Sending one your way virtually. Chocolate chip or Snickerdoodle?
We all have inner lives that may or may not reflect what everyone sees on the outside. I suspect that this blog is a place for you to unleash all of those inner thoughts- and that is completely okay! I actually admire your ability to say what you feel- what you really, really feel.
Sometimes you just gotta feel what you feel, and say what you need to say. I'll still be listening.
Is trying to be a better person actually not being true to yourself? Is trying to change the way you feel about something lying or healing?
These are really, really good questions. Questions I don't have answers to, either.
On the other hand, have you ever tried Amish Monster Cookies? They're unhealthy as shit (but, hey, that's what makes a good cookie, right?), but they have definitely soothed my emotions on more than one occasion.
Three things:
1 - You said it all really. You aren't giving yourself the same clearance to grieve that you give everyone else. If anything, you are being way to hard on yourself. You don't need to mix guilt over feeling the way you do to the mix. It is how you feel, that in itself makes it valid. You don't have to justify it - it IS because you feel it.
2 - Like Lori said, this is your blog. This is your place to put things that you don't want to put anywhere else. So, what you may come across like on here probably isn't your whole self...and that is ok. We all do it. I'm a total raving bitch on my blog - because that is why I set it up, it is my outlet. Amazingly enough, people still visit sometimes. People will read anything.
3 - Cookie? As in a single cookie? No, my Dear. Everyone should always have at least two. My preference is a big bag of Oreos and some trashy TV to get my mind off things. I prefer Maury "You are NOT the father!", but there is lots to choose from.
You should visit this link. There's recipes for almost any cookie under the sun :)
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/cat0001.html
"Can you re-train your brain after something so earth shatteringly tragic has altered it?"
If you manage to do this, I'd sure like to know how!
If you like peanut butter, these are great.
Chewy Surprise Cookies
1.5 c. butter-flavored Crisco
1.5 c. peanut butter
1.5 c. sugar
1.5 c. packed brown sugar
4 eggs
3.75 c. flour
2 t. baking soda
1.5 t. baking powder
.75 t. salt
1 10 oz. package Milk Duds (don't eat any - you will use them all)
Cream Crisco, peanut butter, sugar and brown sugar. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each. Combine dry ingredients; gradually add to the creamed mixture. Chill for at least 1 hour. Shape 4 teas. dough around each Milk Dud so it is completely covered. Roll balls in sugar.
Bake 10-12 minutes at 350 on ungreased cookie sheet.
Enjoy! If you try them, let me know how they turn out!
I think Heather said exactly what I was thinking. This is your safe place. Be who you need to be, feel what you need to feel.
And, for what it's worth, I think you are a hell of alot braver and more honest than I am about things. I'm trying to take a lesson from you. Ok, so I'm a slow learner sometimes;-)
"a better person"........
To quote Mr Lucas. "come over to the dark side". It is very painful to think I am not the person I told myself I was when life was going my way.
I encourage you to accept those parts of you that you find disturbing... and sit with them, give them air...... surely this is part of finding wholeness.
I understand that for social and practical reasons you need to censor these parts to others... but not to yourself.
And for what it is worth, even though I do not see your inside you, I think you have love from head to toe. But you still fill pain like the rest of us.
You would never scare me away. And I am sure that your friends feel the same.
Enjoy the cookies
You're right...you deserve a cookie....some slack would be ok too..
It's okay to indulge a little, whether it be in dessert or grief.
I'm indulging today....I am in my pjs, balling my eyes out..
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