Thursday, December 27, 2007


I suppose I'm slow. I kept wondering why I was having such a hard time with Christmas this year. Last year, after all, was so much better than the year before - the first year without Thomas.

I enjoyed virtually everything about Christmas 2006. I missed the boy, yes, but I truly enjoyed all of the festivities in a way I had been completely incapable of the year before, lost in deep haze of grief.

So I stupidly assumed, without giving it much thought really, that this Christmas would be even better. Even easier. Two Christmases under my belt had to make this one even easier.

Except that it wasn't.

This was a hellish year in many slow, quiet ways. It started in January with the suggestion that we entertain the notion of exploratory surgery because all else had failed. Spectacularly so. Surgery was in March, a few weeks after Thomas' second birthday. It nearly broke me, if you'll recall - the lead up, pure terror. Then a third failed IUI. Then twins. Then a month and a half of torment and uncertainty while we waited for confirmation that the twins would never come. Then a D&C, hemorrhaging and an overnight hospital stay.

And, at long last, the onset of the Christmas season followed almost immediately by the onset of therapy.

Why I thought a year like that would gently wind its way down to a sweet and peaceful Christmas season is beyond me. Maybe I just hoped it would.

But I know better now.

Gotta love the usefulness of hindsight.


delphi said...

This year has not been gentle with you - to make the understatement of 2007. You're right. I am glad you are giving yourself permission to decompress.

niobe said...

I know that this year has seen you lurching from one disaster to another. The only good thing about 2007 is that it's almost over. Here's to a much, much better 2008.

Katie said...

You have been through so much, no wonder the "joy" of the holiday season didn't overtake you. For me, each of those cards with the smiling children on them was like a knife in the heart.

I can only believe that 2008 has much better in store for you.

Catherine said...

Fresh grief. Renewed grief. Take your pick. You've got it all. A menu of pure crap.

I really and truly hope that 2008 brings you ONLY good things. (Do you hear me universe? Give the girl a break already!)

missing_one said...

*hugs* You've had a hell of a year.
I'm amazed you're still standing, ready to take on 2008 with full force.

I'm hoping for a better year for you, for us all.

welcome, welcome 2008