Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Musings

I've started carrying a chocolate bar in my purse. Just in case. I'm not entirely sure what sudden roadside emergency I can solve with a chocolate bar, but it just seems important to have one with me.

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I decided to start seeing a therapist. Four years of trying, failing, loss and infertility have, I have had to admit, finally taken their toll on what's left of my mind. I'm fine - I'm not a knife wielding psycho or anything and I'd prefer you not tiptoe around me as though I am - I just decided I need someone outside my sad little world to listen to me with fresh ears and a heart I can't wound.

I didn't realize how nice it could be to talk to someone who is completely emotionally detached - completely outside my circle. She didn't lose anything when Thomas died. I can't make her sad. I can't slow her healing process. I don't have to reassure her at my own expense.

Nice. So nice. Who knew?

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I have tiny little zits all over the end of my nose. Someone needs to tell the gods that I'm not 16. Either that or tell them to return my 16-year old body to me along with the zits. Not that it was necessarily all that fabulous, my 16-year old body, but at least everything was firm and in the right place. Plus there wasn't any scar tissue inside it, no one had yet died in it, and nothing on it hurt by the end of the day.

God, I had no idea just how good I had it.

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Britney Spears' 16-year old sister is pregnant.

Don't even get me started.

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I'm bound and determined not to go to any more stores, grocery or otherwise, until after Christmas. The holidays bring out the inner maniac in people and I find myself decidedly not filled with the spirit of Jesus when I have to deal with them.

You know, because I'm so perfect and all.

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I should, by all rights, be nearly 7 months pregnant with twins right now.

Ain't that a fucking kick in the head.

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I'm going to make my therapist a very rich woman.

9 comments:

Angela said...

::hugs:: I'm glad you're liking the therapy. And yeah, I was a little less than pleased with the pregnant teen-aged sister, as well.

meg said...

Therapy is good. I got mine through OHIP and she's good. Email me, if you want info.

It has helped me a great deal. My five years of hell are going to take quite a bit of therapy (read, years), so I am glad it's free.

Melissa said...

lurker...*hugs* I have been thinking of you a lot.

delphi said...

Good therapy is very good. I am glad you found someone you are comfortable with. I think that fresh ears (especially ones that are detached from the situation) are excellent. In that warped "things to be glad about when you have a dead baby(ies)" kind of way.

I think carrying a chocolate bar is entirely sensible. They tell you to put one in your car; I think it makes better sense to keep it close by. For emotional emergencies. But then, I self medicate with chocolate.

Sending you a whole lot of love.

Shinny said...

There is nothing wrong with going to therapy. I did it and like you said, it is so nice to talk to someone with no emotional attachments to what we have been through. Do what you have to do in order to feel better.

Hope you don't have to go shopping between now and Christmas, I am not so fortunate having put off my shopping until the last minute. Wish me luck. ;)

Katie said...

I think that pretty much any emergency can at least be made better by chocolate.

Renae said...

I loved my therapist. It was the best decision I've ever made - to go therapy. I've moved away and gotten married but I still send her Christmas cards because, even though it was her job, I needed her to listen more than anything. I so wish I lived closer to her as every now and then I feel the need to just chat - and don't want to bother trying to break in a new therapist.

I just sent a huge rant to two of my girlfriends/infertility confidantes about Jamie Lynne Spears. I loathe celebrities and their ever-so-active ovaries. Loathe them.

I have a chocolate marshmallow Santa and a big extra krispy Kit Kat in my purse all the time - the kitkats really are phenomenal.

missing_one said...

*hugs* I'm glad you get to talk for you, not for anyone else.

mmm....chocolate

I can't believe so much time has passed...seven months...it seems like I read your excited posting about them yesterday

Rosepetal said...

I'm also glad that you've found a good therapist. I still see mine and I'm still at the stage where the vast majority of sessions are spent in tears (mine not hers) although the rest of my life is mostly not spent in tears any more.

It's painful but cathartic.

Spears' sister. Just unbelievable.