I've been thinking so much about my last post, specifically the last few lines.
Initially the whole idea of my children not needing me made me desperately sad. And then, as if the clouds parted and all the angels sang in a great massed choir as sunbeams poured down from the heavens, the idea freed me.
They don't need me to hold onto the sorrow. And doing so for their sakes helps no one - and hurts me.
I'm not saying I won't feel sorrow. I do. I always will. But knowing that all I have to feel is just my own simple sorrow - and that I'm not responsible for any additional obligatory, complicated grief - feels like I've been released from something I didn't even know I was ensnared in.
This probably doesn't make any sense. I just didn't realize that I was holding on to grief because I felt I needed to in some strange way. I think I felt that they needed me to. And of course, they don't.
All I need to feel is what I feel in my heart. My own sorrow is sorrow enough.
And realizing this has given me a kind of peace I haven't felt in years. Years.
I'm not done - I'm still a nut job, and I still need my therapist to help me find more clarity. But I think this was a huge breakthrough and I'm so grateful to her for helping me get to it.
The sunset tonight was beautiful. And I saw it. I really saw it.