Friday, February 22, 2008

Peace

I've been thinking so much about my last post, specifically the last few lines.

Initially the whole idea of my children not needing me made me desperately sad. And then, as if the clouds parted and all the angels sang in a great massed choir as sunbeams poured down from the heavens, the idea freed me.

They don't need me to hold onto the sorrow. And doing so for their sakes helps no one - and hurts me.

I'm not saying I won't feel sorrow. I do. I always will. But knowing that all I have to feel is just my own simple sorrow - and that I'm not responsible for any additional obligatory, complicated grief - feels like I've been released from something I didn't even know I was ensnared in.

This probably doesn't make any sense. I just didn't realize that I was holding on to grief because I felt I needed to in some strange way. I think I felt that they needed me to. And of course, they don't.

All I need to feel is what I feel in my heart. My own sorrow is sorrow enough.

And realizing this has given me a kind of peace I haven't felt in years. Years.

I'm not done - I'm still a nut job, and I still need my therapist to help me find more clarity. But I think this was a huge breakthrough and I'm so grateful to her for helping me get to it.

The sunset tonight was beautiful. And I saw it. I really saw it.

11 comments:

B said...

Wow.

You continue to surprise!! Fast work lady.

May that peace stay with you into the future, whatever it holds.

B

Heather said...

I think they need you to remember and love them, but not to bear so much sorrow for eternity.

I'm glad you are starting to find some peace.

Julia said...

You are right-- your own sorrow is great enough. Accepting that your children don't need you when you never got to have the part where they do must be so very hard. I am sorry.

Terynn said...

I am cheering here in Iowa!!!!!

I feel like I am watching a masterpiece being painted. Go, girl, go!

I am so rooting for you to find all your heart desires.

You are a deep and amazing woman/wife/mom/person!

I really appreciate being allowed to come along on your private journey.

Blessings,

Teri
(from Iowa)

Kim said...

That woman is earning every cent you're paying her, I tell you.

I think that is a wonderful insight. Your babies are a-okay. It's not that you aren't sad they are gone, and not that you aren't always going to miss them and wish they were here. You can, like you said in your last post before this, separate the sorrow from the joy, and remember the joy they brought you and take comfort in that.

It's like a friend of mine said - her husband died in May of brain cancer (he was 35). She misses him, and she can wish until the cows come home that he was still here, but if he were given a choice between heaven and here, he would not choose to come back. I think that thought really freed her. It SUCKS, so much, but she's at peace because she knows he's okay.

Hope that wasn't too much...I don't know. Jerky advice. :) I just wanted you to know that everyone who is grieving has to come to terms with this, and we all do it in our own time and in our own way. ;)

I am thinking of and praying so much for you...

delphi said...

Amazing...

Ann Smith said...

Yes. YES. So beautifully put.

They say the greatest legacy we can give our children is to live happy, loving, giving, fulfilling lives. Of course we miss them and always will. But they live on through us because they are so much a part of us.

I don't know. This helps me get out of bed in the morning.

BasilBean said...

It is so beautiful and such a blessing that you came to this realization. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Teresa said...

As an outsider looking in, it makes perfect sense, and I get it. I'm happy you were able to 'really see' the sunset. It's amazing, when we're clouded with our own miseries, how easy it is to miss those gifts. I'm happy you had the chance to see it.

Angelisa said...

Wow.

I just came across your blog, have been crying as I read archived posts, and have gotten up to here and I just wanted to say, again...

Wow, you are one amazing, courageous woman and a beautiful writer.

Thank you for sharing your journey.

I am glad to hear you having a moment of clarity and peace...so well deserved!

Hennifer said...

Congratulations on getting some peace. You deserve it.
I am not in the same situation but I really do love it when a few days after a therapy session I really, really GET IT! and suddenly understand so clearly why I am paying her :)