Monday, April 28, 2008


We had a garage sale on Saturday and I'm pleased to report that the declutterification efforts of the past few weeks resulted in a tidy $154 profit. And a LOT more space in the basement.

I do have to say though, that it's very interesting that people will haggle on a $2.00 item that's worth way more than that.

I mean really? REALLY? You won't pay a measly $2.00? Really?

Whatever. I'm glad the extra set of jumper cables went, even if it was a bargain at the haggled-down price of a buck.

After revealing to Therpist Lady that I have a blocked tube and a malformed uterus (things I guess I neglected to mention when I was regaling her with my litany of gynecological/breeding horror stories at our first meeting), her jaw dropped.

"I know," I said, about to launch into the standard, "Can you BELIEVE there are so many things wrong with me?" tirade. But she cut me off, then told me how in awe she was of my body.

My response was to sit there blinking in confusion until she explained.

"You have a blocked tube, scar tissue issues, a bicornuate uterus and you were STILL able to get pregnant FOUR times? Wow. What a strong, healthy body you must have!"

We were flush with pride, my body and I - for about 10 seconds. I mean it still doesn't mean much when none of those pregnancies resulted in a take-home baby.

But it was nice to hear praise for a body for which I feel nothing but contempt most of the time.


Sometimes I wonder if knowing why you feel/think a certain way is useful if you still think/feel the things that bother you.

I wonder this as I hand over my $120 cheque after each session.


Therapist Lady also said that she was reading some infertility/loss related materials and pointed out that my negative reactions to the Spring stroller parades and new pregnancy announcements may be more a result of my belief that it's never going to happen for us again than it is mourning what we've already lost.

I suspect it's a combination of both.

It hadn't occurred to me that I might be already mourning a loss we haven't even had yet, but it's possible. It's very, very possible my reactions are now more to do with what what we still don't have rather than what we've lost.

But again, I don't know if knowing this makes any difference at all.

I still hate the way I feel when I see the strollers go by. Does it matter why?


I hate to think I'm disillusioned with therapy after just four months, but this last session left me feeling a little cold.

Generally I find it helpful to talk about what's rattling around in my brain, but I guess I'm at the point where I'm feeling better, but wanting more from the experience. Feeling better is good.

But feeling better than better is what I'm really looking for.

I guess it takes longer than four months to sort out five years of pain.

I guess.


It's a cold, rainy Monday. Can you tell?


Angela said...

=/ It's cold and rainy here, too, in more ways than one. I feel ya.

Lori said...

Whether it's anticipatory grief, or continued grief over your losses, or a combination of both doesn't really seem to matter to me. I can understand why you would have a hard time with the Spring stroller parade. I really do.

For what it's worth, I do think that sometimes therapy runs its course. I remember saying to my counselor once, "I just don't know what else to say... I know what I feel, but I've said it so many times now... I just want to feel better." I hear you and I wish more than anything you could feel better than better. But I also understand why that might be out of reach just yet.