Thursday, August 07, 2008


It's interesting what you can find in the produce department. Today it was a nose-picking yahoo in a Leaf jersey on a cell phone. He was wandering around like he owned the place, digging for gold with both his thumb and index finger.

I heard him before I saw him, and as I turned towards the noise, I happened to lock eyes with him while he was knuckle deep in a nasal hole.

Gross. So very, very gross. All I could think was that he was going to wander about willy nilly, touching fruit and vegetables with his snotty little fingers.

He stopped his tunneling when he saw that he had an audience and with the bravado that only this kind of jackass can muster, he wiped his hand all over the Maple Leafs and strutted about like a peacock, telling whoever he was talking to about "the fucking hottest chick" he'd ever seen.

It was almost worse than the nose picking.

I plan my route at the grocery store. Fruit and veg, meat then bread. Sometimes bread then meat, depending on the flow of traffic. This guy, so enchanted with himself and the memory of the fucking hot chick, wove in and out of the entire area like a silverback gorilla with ADHD.

And, somehow, despite my methodical route-taking and his random strutting, it appeared as though I was trailing him. Everywhere I went, there he was.

The horror.

The very last thing I wanted was for him to think that any part of me was even remotely enchanted with any part of him.

If they ever wanted to make a remake of Saturday Night Fever with a main character who wore hockey jerseys and picked his nose in public, this guy would be a shoe-in for the lead.

The last thing I heard him say as he wandered by the meat counter grabbing packages of chicken and beef, was that he was heading to the gym.

Poor gym. But lucky, lucky grocery store.

Sometimes people, just by being, annoy the crap out of me.



Terynn said...

I think the concept of a SNL sketch with this guy's character is such a good one, you should write them with the idea.

That way, perhaps a bit of redemption could come of this horrific experience. ::shudder::

Denise said...

I'm sorry you had to experience that...but peeing with laughter!

Terynn said...

OK. I'm back to report that I ate two plums today (quite good), but because of this post, I washed and washed and WASHED them before I ate them. I just kept thinking that your icky man's twin had been in *my* grocery store doing his dastardly deeds. Look at the power your words wield...

Rebekah said...

I was reading through your posts by the most recent first and was almost in tears thinking of how my husband and I sit in the balcony at church to avoid the baby section... and then came to this post. Thank you for the smile and genuine laughter (and guys like him are the reason you should never pop grapes in the grocery store- lol)