Tuesday, August 05, 2008

It was groovy

Are...are those AGE spots on my hands???

The gray hair wasn't enough of a giveaway, I suppose.

____

Yesterday I spent a few hours in the neglected back garden and got a sunburn on my back.

Despite the age spot issue (and the annoying kink in my lower back), today I feel like I'm 7. Back in the day I'd run around all summer in my bathing suit at the cottage and go back to school looking like a gingerbread cookie. Minus the icing.

It was the 70s. No such thing as sunblock. I got burned, then tanned deeply and spent the rest of the summer with a golden hue that people these days would pay good money for at a tanning salon.

I miss the 70s. Not because of the carefree tans, but because of the carefree ME. It would be years before my Dad would have his first heart attack and grind my childhood to a screceching halt. It would be decades before I would start losing babies.

It was golden.

______

Friday night we went to the neighbours' for beer and snacks. I had a lot of both and stumbled my way home giggling with my similarly soused spouse.

But apparently a good beer buzz (the best I've had since long before Thomas was born) isn't what it used to be. Or perhaps I'm not.

My Beloved fell asleep instantly. While I lay in bed curled up beside him, my mind drifted quickly and unexpectedly to Thomas and I found myself quietly whispering endless apologies to My Beloved while he slept.

I really thought I'd moved past that raw, bleeding guilt. I swear did.

But beer, it seems, brings it out in me.

Good to know.

_____

See? SEE why I miss the 70s?

4 comments:

bleu said...

I am in tears writing this. I am just so sorry for your pain. Really deeply, empathetically sorry. I am so sorry you still have that guilt come up, I sat reading this post and I just suddenly saw you on the bed, curled up to your beloved, whispering those soul cries. I feel such deep tenderness for you and wish so much I or anyone could ease your pain.

Much love and peace and gentleness to you.

G said...

ahh the 70s, the best years to be born/be a kid, in my completely biased opinion.

I am sorry for the guilt :( I imagine it never fully leaves you, especially in an intoxicated/irrational state.

Next time, if you are going to live the 70s, maybe you should smoke (visualize that 70s show where they all sit in a circle...)? That way you can eat and eat and eat and maybe you will too full for the guilt to rush back in.

I kid. I totally kid.

Julia said...

I hate that the guilt can still get you. Good beer and good beer buzz are few of the very nice little pleasures in life, and I am sorry it can't just be that for you.

Nikki said...

(((((((Kristin))))))) Im sorry you still hold so much guilt I hope one day you can realize that there is nothing you have ever done wrong...and you are blessed with a wonderful man who knows this too. Your in my thoughts sweetie