Tuesday, September 23, 2008

In a fog

Bear with me. I'm a little lost in a sea of anxiety at the moment.

I really need to do the "Mind Over Mood" homework that Therapist Lady gave me. I really, really, really need to figure out how to roll with life's constant flurry of punches.

I'm just worried about my Dad. Scared that the test (as yet frustratingly not scheduled) will reveal something that I haven't prepared myself for.

Although one would think I'd be used to random shitstorms by now.

He has a very serious heart condition. He has had for years. So I always imagined the end would come in the form of "the call". Sudden, but not necessarily unexpected. I never, ever thought that his last years might be characterized by a slow, painful decline.

Complicated by blindness.

Yeah. Blindness. Only partial and in just one eye, but fuck - where did THAT come from?

It's not about me. It's about him. But I feel all this in my chest. In my head. In my heart. It feels like all I do is struggle and lose. And watch people suffer. And stand helplessly by while life pulls the energy from my body and hope from my soul.

It is a marathon, this life. A long, steady march through the unthinkable.

There is light. There is happiness and love and joy. But there is just so much struggle.

Too much.

7 comments:

The Nanny said...

I'm so sorry all this is happening. All I can offer is thoughts and prayers, and the name of the guided relaxation CD I used so frequently at the height of my anxiety over the summer: "Ten Minutes to Relax: The Love Response." I've got to say, I was highly skeptical, but I bought it and I love it. The third meditation is the best, I think.

Rosepetal said...

It is a struggle. You are such a beautiful, kind-hearted and sincere person, not that anyone deserves these things.

Sorry, this comment is not very helpful. ((((Kristin))))

B said...

Mind over mood is very well and all, but, frankly, it is so much hard hard work and when it comes down to it you have to be in a certain mood anyway to take on that kind of mammoth task.

I'm thinking that you need something else. You need to recieve. At the deepest level. This is what I will pray for you - that this may find you. Also, that you will keep looking for it even when you don;t find it.

Shiatsu massages have been doing a bit of that for me. A safe place. Literally, in the hands of someone I trust (cause I had to really) and lucky for me they turned out to be safe safe hands.

I hope you can find a resting place.

I will pray for you and your dad.

G said...

Oh Hun, I'm so sorry for this anxiety
You and your dad are on my thoughts and prayers.

Heather said...

That's a hard place to be in, and I identify with life being just one struggle after another. Sometimes the lights just don't compare with the darkness.

I'll be thinking of you and your dad.

AnnaMarie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. His vision loss is very sad and I hope what vision remains will stay as it is.

I hope you are able to find a way to maintain a sense of calm through all of the struggles.

kate said...

I'm sorry, my comment is late & i haven't been keeping up with blogs. I have nothing useful to say, either...I will keep you and your dad in my thoughts...