Bear with me. I'm a little lost in a sea of anxiety at the moment.
I really need to do the "Mind Over Mood" homework that Therapist Lady gave me. I really, really, really need to figure out how to roll with life's constant flurry of punches.
I'm just worried about my Dad. Scared that the test (as yet frustratingly not scheduled) will reveal something that I haven't prepared myself for.
Although one would think I'd be used to random shitstorms by now.
He has a very serious heart condition. He has had for years. So I always imagined the end would come in the form of "the call". Sudden, but not necessarily unexpected. I never, ever thought that his last years might be characterized by a slow, painful decline.
Complicated by blindness.
Yeah. Blindness. Only partial and in just one eye, but fuck - where did THAT come from?
It's not about me. It's about him. But I feel all this in my chest. In my head. In my heart. It feels like all I do is struggle and lose. And watch people suffer. And stand helplessly by while life pulls the energy from my body and hope from my soul.
It is a marathon, this life. A long, steady march through the unthinkable.
There is light. There is happiness and love and joy. But there is just so much struggle.