Monday, September 08, 2008

I remember...

On August 21st of last year, I lost the twins. My tiny Tigers who we desperately willed to live over and over again. Who we begged to be more than just empty sacs. Who gave us the kind of hope and joy we hadn't felt in more than two years.

I finally had a D&C at 12 weeks after a compassionate OB took pity on us and put us out of our collective misery.

The day passed without me remembering until late in the evening. A flash. The date. My sorrow.

I felt a flicker of guilt, but the thing is, we lost them countless time during the 6 weeks I knew I was pregnant. We rode the roller coaster of hope and despair so many times - being told they were fine, being told there was nothing there, being told there was "something" there, being told that there was, finally and conclusively, no hope at all.

We mourned and hoped so much during those torturous 6 weeks that the date I finally said goodbye doesn't seem particularly momentous at all.

Plus, it was complicated by hemorrhaging and a hospital stay.

'Cause that's how I roll.

But I do think of them, my little Tigers. I sometimes stop and marvel at my body's ability to get pregnant with twins without any help at all. And I revel in a brief flush of pride - until it is replaced by anger at this same body's inability to do what it should. What it was allegedly born to do.

And, of course, I think of what might have been.

I realized, a few weeks after the D&C, that I had unconsciously named them. I called them the "Tigers" while I was pregnant, but after they were gone, I started thinking of them as Molly and Joseph. A boy and a girl.

And the names stuck.

We don't actually know what they were, of course, but they are Molly and Joseph to me - for absolutely no good reason other than the fact that names seemed to want to belong to them.

And today, more than a year after they came and went, I wanted to say that I remember.

And I love you, little ones.

12 comments:

The Nanny said...

Joseph and Molly are beautiful names. Remembering them, and thinking of you.

Aurelia said...

Those are great names. I'm so sorry hon.

Rosepetal said...

Molly and Joseph. Beautiful names. Oh how I wish they were with you now. I was heartbroken for you when I read they were gone. (((((Hugs)))) my friend.

Ruby said...

Thinking of you...and remembering them.

cjzben said...

I remember too, and I just want to say I am so very sorry Kristin....so very very sorry.

Sherry said...

I remember.

And, I'm so sorry, K.

Beth said...

Smiling, you can figure out why. Now it an extra special name for me. I remember. Over a year, amazing.

niobe said...

Remembering can be so sad...

A.M.S. said...

remembering with you. Hugs.

annacyclopedia said...

Remembering your Tigers, Molly and Joseph, with you and wishing you peace.

rachel said...

I'm so sorry, my friend. I remember them too.

Shinejil said...

I'm here to honor Joseph and Molly's memory.

I'm thinking of you, grateful you stopped by my blog, and wishing you comfort in the days ahead.