Friday, July 29, 2011

Do as I say, not as I do. Obviously.

Okay, so here's the thing about grief: it makes you sooooo tired. I'm sure it's that and not the nine zillion calories I eat every day in an attempt to smother the grief with Nutella and wine.

Because that's what I do. It's been my modus operandi since Thomas died. I try to kill grief with food, or somehow disable it with credit card transactions (like when I bought two pairs of shoes on the way home from errand-running this afternoon).

Both are effective, but only fleetingly. Somehow I'm still pretty sad. And kind of fat. Huh.

Oh, shopping and eating do work in the moment, of course. Spectacularly so. A big spoonful of Nutella completely eclipses EVERYTHING for the 4 seconds it stays on the spoon. And the rush of finding two cute pairs of sandals that actually fit my chubby feet? Bliss that repeated itself when I got home and tried them both on again.

The afterglow is pretty short-lived, unfortunately. But I'm no quitter. Eventually I'll find just the right combination of eating and spending to kill grief forever. I'm sure of it.

Right now I'm trying salami and beer. And later I'm planning to hit the cosmetics aisle at the drug store.

I'm nothing if not committed.

Of course, I kid. I know that what I'm doing is stupid and unhealthy and fruitless. But I figure since I know that it's a crap plan of action, it's totally okay to continue along this destructive path for at least a little while longer. Because knowing is half the battle and blah blah blah.

Shit continues to happen. I will self-medicate for as long as it takes me to not need to self-medicate. I'll get there. I have before and I will again.

But for now, beer and salami it is. And some new lipstick later.



Jo said...

I'm the queen of self-medicating. Eating? Check. Shopping? Check. Work-aholism? Check.

The thing is, you do what you have to do to get through. Whether that involved Nutella, wine, or new makeup (or all three!) is not important. What matters is that you take care of YOU in whatever form that may be.

Here's to new shoes!!!!


the misfit said...

There are obviously arguments against this sort of behavior and I think you've articulated them well. But the argument in favor is rarely made (except defiantly and/or tongue-in-cheek), but I actually think it really should be, and in my opinion it's this: depression and grief happen. They happen even if they are punctuated with joy, but if they are NOT punctuated with joy, then they are a lot worse. Unless you're bankrupting yourself on sandals or about to go into a diabetic coma, if a spoonful of Nutella is all that can bring you from Fleeting Joy to Zero Joy, eat more Nutella. Eventually the system will right itself and you can reassert boring things like balance and discipline and diet and exercise. There will ALWAYS be time later for diet and exercise. Right now you have a fragile heart to take care of, and that is priority one.

Sorry this has all been so hard for you, and hope it gets better soon.

areyoukiddingme said...

The misfit is very wise...

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm with Jo.

I will say, as I have gotten them all under control, I have enjoyed them more without the guilt hangover, so to speak.

There's something to be said for the intentional practice of self care.

loribeth said...

I second (fifth?) these comments. My motto has always been, "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping" (Corollory: You can never have too many shades or brands of lipstick/gloss). I don't remember doing it so much in reaction to grief, but I'm blushing to think about how many times I come home from a stressful day at the office with a shopping bag(s) in my hand. ; )

loribeth said...

Oh, & P.S. -- I have extremely wide feet too. Whenever I find a pair of shoes or sandals that actually fits me, I will buy a pair in each colour. Seriously.

Illanare said...

I nodded along to every word of this (apart from the Nutella. I'm allergic to nuts so that would involve a whole different kind of medicating).
Raising a glass of wine to your new shoes and lip gloss.

Mali said...

I've had a bad year of self-medicating with food. Gingernut ice-cream is my nutella (or salami and beer), but anything sweet and starchy would also do. Oddly, a few weeks ago I resigned from my job. Instantly, the urge for ice-cream, muffins, brownies etc went. Haven't had any since. Don't need it. Hoping it will last!! Hoping that one day you will find you don't need the nutella and wine. But in the meantime, Cheers! Oh, and the lipstick and shoes - well, you'll always need those. Of course!