Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Rage and other unpleasant things

I'm a fool. I should have thought more about the people who might be reading my blogs, specifically pregnant people. I can't explain it, but my rage isn't directed at you, even though it might appear to be. I'm just angry that life has dealt me a blow that's very difficult to recover from. I'm angry that instead of changing diapers I'm changing my mindset --
trying to get used to life as a mommy without her child. I'm angry that I'm now forced to make decisions and choices that I never dreamed I'd have to make (like trying again when it terrifies me, or finding just the right wording for my baby's grave marker). I'm angry that on days when I'm feeling a fragile happiness, it's so easy for something to make me sad. I'm angry that I have to be sad at all. But I am. I'm in a little bit of turmoil, and rage is an unpleasant side effect.

But I'm not angry at you. I've learned what a blessing a baby is in a way that I hope no other woman ever has to find out. So I'm happy that you are so blessed. I really, truly am. I wish you and your little ones all the goodness and joy life has to offer and I hope you never, ever have to know even a fraction of the pain I've known. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and so it goes without saying (I hope) that I'd never, EVER wish it on my friends.

However, I might still need to rant and rave. My cradle is empty and there's a hole in my heart. I hope you understand.

1 comment:

Freyja said...

Whoever it is that said whatever they said to make you feel you needed to qualify your feelings deserves to be drawn and quartered. Sheesh!