Friday, May 23, 2008

You don't know what's inside until you take a closer look

Therapy is interesting.

Granted, there are things I'd rather be doing than sitting in a little office with a stranger discussing how my life has shattered into 47 billion tiny pieces; and God knows I wish I had no reason to be in therapy in the first place, but it does serve a purpose.

Last week I found myself weighing out the pros and cons of Thomas having been born brain dead.

I know, How can there possibly be pros?!, you're asking.

The thing is, it has always been so utterly devastating to me that Thomas never "knew" us - that he never felt us hold him or kiss him or touch him. He was stillborn and revived, but never truly fully alive.

And this has tormented me endlessly.

I was discussing this with my therapist, telling her how much I sometimes wish that he had been able to see me, respond to the sound of my voice, feel me there, loving him.

She just listened, kind of wide-eyed.

As I talked (and talked, and talked, and talked), I came to the conclusion that if he had to die, it happened the best way it could have. For us to have known him in the way I have so often wished we could have, he would have had to have suffered so much more than he already did.

To wish for that knowing what it would have meant for him is unfathomable.

It's better, I have concluded, that we were the ones to have suffered instead.

But the thing is, I know he felt our love while he was safe inside me. And I know he feels it now. And in the end, that's all that matters.

See? Therapy is interesting. Depressing, yes, but interesting. You never know what little bit of pain all knotted up in there is going to finally work its way out.


Julia said...

I have similar feelings about A being stillborn. I know that he was never outside and cold and prodded and poked. And most days I too am ok accepting the pain of never getting to know him on the outside, even a little bit, in exchange for him not suffering.
But the thing that is annoying about it is that it shouldn't be an exchange. Why should it be an exchange? Who are we even contemplating this trade off with?

Katie said...

Ugh. To even have to contemplate things like that...

my heart aches for you. I am glad that you are in therapy. I know it's hard, very hard, but it usually does help.

Kris said...

Spoken like a true mother. It's incomprehensible the things that we'll sacrifice for our children. I cannot even begin to imagine what you've gone through. But, to hear that you've accepted taking the pain so that your little boy didn't have to suffer is so bittersweet. You were an incredible mommy to him & I can assure you that he did and DOES know your love for him.