Does everyone need permission to feel the way they feel, or is it just me?
That familiar, slightly dull, knicker-binding sense of doom and gloom was bugging me last week. I couldn't shake it. It sat on my shoulders with its hands over my mouth trying to smother me for days.
I couldn't for the life of me figure out where it came from and how it snuck up on me so quickly and quietly.
On Friday, Therapist Lady pointed out that there is anxiety in reaching decisions. Silly me. All this time I thought indecision was my issue. But apparently I have the ability to stay freaked out even when decisions are actually made.
FANtastic.
She said that our decision not to have the surgery, even though it's still classified as a tentative one, means that we have decided to move in another direction. Which isn't a bad thing, but when you're not sure what that direction is - or what lies along the road you'll eventually end up choosing - it can be anxiety producing.
And I can attest to that.
The interesting thing is that as soon as she made this proclamation, the doom and gloom started to lift. Being given permission to feel anxious made a huge chunk of the anxiety simply vanish.
Because it's okay to feel unsure. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to be confused. It's okay to need to think about the possibility that it's time to start mourning the loss of future biological children who may never come. Who will probably never come.
It looks like a lot of work ahead. Good God. When I see it laid out before me in print, it looks like a fucking shit-load of work.
But I'll get there. Eventually. With constant reminders that it really is okay to be overwhelmed by a life I never in a million years expected would be mine.
4 comments:
It is okay to feel unsure, scared and confused. Likewise, it is okay to feel overwhelmed.. even for those people who have the life that they did expect.
I have always been highly suspicious of those who seem to "have it all together."
DinoD
I just wanted to thank you for your entry. I think I've let this notion of being greatful for what I DO have bully me to some extreme.
I just feel UNentitled to have these emotions. I actually had just written that to a friend. I know it could be worse and I AM greatful it isn't but it still doesn't make the hurt and hard work just go away
"Because it's okay to feel unsure. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to be confused. It's okay to need to think about the possibility that it's time to start mourning the loss of future biological children who may never come. Who will probably never come.
It looks like a lot of work ahead. Good God. When I see it laid out before me in print, it looks like a fucking shit-load of work.
But I'll get there. Eventually. With constant reminders that it really is okay to be overwhelmed by a life I never in a million years expected would be mine.
My situation isn't the same. I have my living children but my marriage has dissolved along with all my plans for the future. I feel so lost. I feel so sad. It is too much some days.
For me too, I have to name the source of anxiety in order to conquer it. I know it's not the same for everyone, but you and I seem to have that in common.
I am glad she was able to help you figure it out. I am sorry that the work is so hard. I am sorry that you have to do this work at all. But you knew that already (I hope).
You get a standing ovation from me for this line
"But I'll get there."
I think that is the basis of the strongest emotional/spiritual foundation for life.
And I believe it with all of me. You will get there. You are getting there. You are so much closer to there than almost anyone.
Applaud. Applaud.
Feel free to pin a badge saying "truly courageous" on you and wear it proudly.
I see how big an achievement those 4 little words are. And I'm going to remind you of them when you are in the dark and can't remember if they are real.
much love
Barb
You should take a holiday in Australia during your winter. I promise to host.
Post a Comment