Saturday, March 07, 2009


I'm blue. So blue tonight.

The lead up to Thomas' birthday has been so good - easier than last year which was easier than the year before, and so on. In fact, it's been almost happy in a strange sort of way. There are nearly 1200 people signed up to do random acts of kindness on Monday - and more who are not part of the Facebook group who have said they'll participate too. I have our good deed arranged and ready to go. My Beloved has the day off and we have plans to spend it together. It's good. It's all good.

But I've been so focused on all the things being done in his memory - and excited by them too - that I kind of forgot that he's a memory.

And I miss him. Oh my God, I miss him. So much that every fibre of my being is screaming for him; searching blindly in the dark for the missing piece of my heart.

It is easier. It gets better. But it's still the hardest thing I do, breathing in and out every day while I miss my boy. While I watch My Beloved miss his son. While the world around us carries on as if this massive wound was never inflicted in the first place.

The bigger world, I mean. The world that never knew of him and still doesn't.

I'm okay. It's strange that my heart can open up and bleed itself dry, but somehow fill itself up again and keep on beating. Over and over again.

But it does.

It's just that it still takes some getting used to. Four years isn't enough time to become accustomed to such agony.


Mrs. Spit said...

I think 400 years might be too short.

I'll remember with you.

Julia said...

I too am not sure there is time in the universe enough for this. And I too have trouble with the world just going right on, not missing, not knowing.

I will remember with you.

(Tomorrow is also the second anniversary of A's due date. When I came to DBL around two years ago, you were two years on, like I am now. I was just remembering a day or two ago that first March 9th... and how much your posts on that day and around then meant to me. Thank you.)

Snowflowers Mum said...

a friend directed me here...tomorrow I will participate.

it won't be super 'random' but it will have a purpose.

Several friends organized a fundraiser for a family who lost their 7 yr old special needs daughter last year...I will be putting out the word to try to get her at least 100 $10 donations for her auction and fundraiser.

my prayers are with you tomorrow, I have suffered 8 pregnancy losses, 10 children in total...I understand your pain, and your path to healing(your pay it foward project) is INSPIRING to all of us!

the family I am helping can be found here...
their fundraiser here

Denise said...

(((hugs)) - I'm not on facebook anymore but will be doing something as well.

Catherine said...

I sit here and stare at the screen...trying desperately to come up with anything to say that doesn't sound empty and pointless. But all I come up with is that I'm thinking of you and S and Thomas and wishing you love and peace.

cjzben said...

There isn't time enough from here to the end of time to get used to something like that.

I am thinking of you and S my dear dear friend.

Jaded Girl said...

a liftime isn't enough time.
i am thinking of you and Thomas.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Catherine, sorry my love, I know the hurt, sucks!