Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Nobody told me there'd be days like these

..with my apologies to John Lennon for stealing his lyric.

Seriously. These are strange days indeed.

I feel like the only person on the planet who is destined never to be pregnant again. Ever. Period. Pardon the pun.

And you know what else? People always say that they lose their identity when they have kids. They say they become "mom" and nothing else. Well let me tell you, for four years I've been either mourning lost children or dealing with infertility - two of those four years doing both. And it's easy to lose yourself in that too. Very easy indeed.

I don't know who I am anymore. And it's not just the Mike's Hard Lemonade talking either (okay maybe it is a bit, but screw it - it was needed and deserved).

Seriously. I'm the most boring woman on the planet. These are my claims to fame: to never be pregnant again, just forever mind-numbingly boring. I live from cycle to failed cycle and the longer this goes on, the farther away from my friends with living children I feel. They're kind enough to keep me in their world, but why the flock they do is beyond me sometimes.

I have nothing to talk about except my uterus and its spectacular penchant for failing me.

BO-RING.

I've run out of things to talk about. And I've run out of things to think about.

Except that. Except what I've lost and what I can't for the life of me seem to get. Children.

Am I boring? AM I??

PMS makes me incredibly paranoid. And, evidently, so does this hard lemonade.

Strange days indeed.

18 comments:

Lori said...

I imagine it doesn't help that much to hear that your very singular focus is completely understandable. Infertility and the loss of babies are hardly small life events. And these are life events that you are still living with, every single day. They are not in the past- and the future is unclear. How could you not think about what you have lost, and hope yet to gain, all the time?

I'm sorry it makes you feel boring. I doubt though that the people who love you find you even slightly dull.

Beth said...

I know what you mean after talking incessantly about infertility for many years. I talked incessantly about the adoption and now (since it entered the realm of "hopefully, someday")I feel like I have nothing to talk about.

Mike has gotten me through PMS in the past too.

delphi said...

I agree with Lori and Beth, so I guess I will leave that alone.

I still feel like a huge portion of my identity is consumed by the label "Bereaved Parent". And I also feels that makes me boring. I wrote a post about it not long ago.

Does having compatriots in boringness help? If so, here I am.

Julia said...

Damn, this day just isn't getting any better. I am so sorry.
Since I really can't be bothered to give a shit about my job currently, I emphasize. It's been a long long time.
I wish you catch a break, and soon. And in the meantime-- more Mike's, I guess.

Erin said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Catherine said...

You are one of the least boring people I know. I wish we lived closer so we could go shopping together. Retail therapy is at least a distraction from what ails you...even if it can't cure it (and it's a darn sight easier than hard lemonade on the morning after).

Sarah said...

You are not boring and being anything but totally focused on one thing (children) would be utterly amazing and probably impossible after the past 3 years.

I do really keep hoping and hoping for you... not that I believe it will accomplish anything... but maybe...

Sorry for the PMS and I hope the Mike's started treating you better.

BasilBean said...

For what it is worth, I don't find you to be boring at all.

I can't say it any better than Lori did, I think your focus is completely understandable.

((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))

Lisa P. said...

If you're boring, I'm right up there with you sweetie. Wishing it weren't this way. (((hugs)))

Patience said...

Nope, definitely not boring.... I, too, feel like the 'outsider' - maybe destined to be the one to be kind to and pity...

Aurelia said...

Well I'm offically known in some circles as the "dead baby lady", so no you are NOT alone.

As for claims to fame? Aren't YOU one of the writers of that amazing new blog directory for bereaved parents? Yes, yes, I believe you ARE the fabulous woman who comforts others and is kind to those the rest of society doesn't give a damn about.

That alone, IMO is a GREAT legacy.

ARA said...

You are NOT boring. I look forward to reading your blog everyday and am disappointed when it's been a while since your last post.

I have enjoyed your writing from the beginning....being a message board where we were both memebers.

I am so very sorry for the PMS.

For what it is worth - I truly beleive you are going to get the chance to be a mother again to a take home baby.

Ara

niobe said...

Grief does narrow life and robs us of our joys, our hopes and, sometimes it seems, ourselves.

I'll join the chorus and tell you that you most certainly are not boring. In fact, you're a wonderful writer, able to convey so many different feelings with your words. I know I look forward to your posts and I'm sure many others do too. And I know that your writing has helped many, many other women at one of the most difficult times of their lives.

kate said...

Of course you are not boring. And i agree with everyone else that your singularity of focus is completely understandable.

I remember feeling the same way at many points -- my 'identity' consumed with grieving Nicolas, and/or being pregnant again, to the exclusion of seriously thinking about any other issues. And i have not had to confront any fertility issues, which must be just so so difficult. But then i realized that if Nicolas was alive, i would have dirty diapers and spitup and toddler tricks to talk about endlessly....so that focus *has* to go somewhere. Some people can focus on their work, or something else, but i was never so productive...

Hoping for easier days for you to come...

Sara said...

You are not boring.

I positively adore the you you've shared on this blog. I hate that you hurt, and that your Thomas isn't here, and that you've dealt with all of this for four years.

Rosepetal said...

I've come back to this post many times. I'm glad you shared this. So many of your posts have an upbeat, positive thinking tone to them and this one didn't.

It's so hard to have one's life revolve around getting pregnant, staying pregnant and taking home a living, healthy child that will outlive you. It seems so easy for so many people who go on through life completely oblivious, and don't I envy them. I suppose the alternative is to live in fear of life and how it might hurt you again, which is what I do now.

I'm sorry not to have words of comfort, but I hope I understand the despair a little bit.

You are NOT boring though.

((hugs))

Ruby said...

You are NOT boring!

I think the reason your friends keep you around has nothing to do with your ability to procreate but your beautiful personality. You sound like a REAL friend. They probably feel privileged and wonder why YOU keep THEM around.

Bronwyn said...

(((Big hug))) For once I can say, with all credulity, that I understand completely. It sucks that we're here, and I hope that you get to see life on the other side of the fence one of these days...

And what everyone else said - you are definitely not boring!