Yeah, so enough with the Clomid. It's dastardly, that shit. They say it works (although I have plenty of evidence to the contrary) but in the meantime it makes living hell and me hell to live with. So we're taking at least a once cycle break from the stuff.
There are times when I think that if God wants this to happen, it will happen no matter what we do or don't do.
Well, we have to have sex. That I realize.
There's that story about the old man going to church day after day begging God to let him win the lottery until finally after several months he hears God's great booming voice pleading with him to buy a ticket. I know God helps those who help themselves. I know that. I know we can't sit around willing a baby into existence and doing nothing to help the process along.
But sometimes you have to know when enough is enough. At least for now.
I can feel all the tense little fibers of my body slowly relaxing as the drug works its way out of my system. I can feel the sanity returning. I can feel me again.
The fall is so much harder when it's a drug/IUI cycle, and not just because of the drugs. The hopes and the expectation of success, I think, are so much higher for me - and in everyone else's mind too. Because yeah, everyone knows. And my God, It's hard to fail so publicly. It makes it a rather spectacular exercise in agony, having to make the awkward, "Uh, yeah, so I got my period..." calls.
And doing it when you're so disappointed and so hormonal you're barely functioning adds that extra little dash of torture.
And I mean that seriously. Addled doesn't even begin to describe it. Fog is closer. But that horror movie style fog - the kind that strangles everything in its path and drags gouls and goblins along with it as it seeps into sleepy New England towns.
But it's better now. After a few days of angry tears, agonized longing for the boy I lost, and self-indulgent wallowing in the "should have beens", " could have beens", and "why, why why's", I'm finally feeling something akin to even keeled.
You know, for now anyway.
Sigh. I truly don't understand why this is so hard. I will never understand why all of this has been so hard.