Friday, November 07, 2008

Out of the fog

As we drove through the fog on our way home from dinner tonight, I told My Beloved that I think my own fog is lifting. In the last few weeks I've been noticing almost imperceptible little hints of "me" coming back - in small glimpses and in tiny moments.

I can feel again in a way I'd forgotten I ever once knew how to.

I think the difference is that I'm living with the sorrow instead of living through it. It's there, but suddenly I'm there too. And I'm almost as imposing as my grief, which is a tremendous shift in the balance. For more than three and a half years it has dominated me body and soul, but we are nearly equal now.

I think we can live together peaceably. I'm almost sure of it. I've figured out its demanding ways and its all-consuming neediness, and I know how to manage it. I know how to feed it so that it stays quietly beside me without screaming in my ear. I know how to soothe it so that it rests softly in my heart instead of pounding inside my brain. I know how to accept it so that it feels like it belongs.

Because of course, it does. It always will.

I'm not naive enough to think that things won't still shake me. Sneak attacks will still catch me off guard and bring me to my knees. I will cry. I will rage. I will curse.

But I can feel again. I can feel more than my sorrow.

At last.


bleu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bleu said...

This is truly wonderful to hear. I hope you continue to find you and find peace (if that is the right word) in this.

Catherine said...

I'm so glad.

ladywithasong said...

This was a beautiful entry. And of course, a very important one as well.

This is all so very good.


Kendra's mom said...

My shift happened very gradually and is most noticeable when I sometimes go back to that place I was immediately after Kendra died and realise how far I have come in terms of living with the grief. It is a really tough process to learn to live 'comfortably' with it rather than to be consumed by it. I am really happy that you are finding that way.

Polka Dot said...

I'm glad to hear that you're finding you again.

prayers4z said...

I am so happy to read this. ((hugs))

B said...

Hallelujah sister.

You are a most amazing person - and will only continue to become more so.

And we'll be here to remind you of this when the fog begins to descend (a little less thickly than last time) once more.

You should be unbelievably proud of yourself. You have walked through the valley of the shadow - and have not become lost, no matter how much you thought you had.

And if you feeling like sharing some of the moments where "me" unmistakeably overtook "sorrow" we'd love to hear about them.

love barbs

Teresa said...

enjoy the little victories!

Naomi said...

I just found your blog via a post you wrote on Glow In the Woods, and I wanted to reach out to you because our stories are nearly identical, which as you know is pretty unusual given the odds of having a deadly placental abruption at term during labor. I just wrote a longer comment that goes into more detail on an old post of yours from Feb 13, 2007... but then I was afraid that maybe you'd never find it there... so I'm writing here, too. I'd love to connect with you if possible. You're the only other person I've met in over a year who went through the same experience. Thanks for writing... for dropping little breadcrumbs that eventually led me to you.

Julia said...

Living with. Somehow I intuitively understood that to be as good as it gets for us.
I am so glad to see this post.