Monday, November 24, 2008

Two steps forward, one step back

Yeah, yeah, I know I said I'm at least as big as my sorrow now, but sometimes I still worry that if I let it go unchecked, I could quite easily turn into one of those ugly people who let a wound fester until it becomes so big that it's all they feel. And when it eventually scars over, instead of shrinking and disappearing it turns into a gigantic chip on a self-absorbed shoulder. An excuse to think bad things. Say bad things. Feel bad things.

I don't want to be that person. I don't. But sometimes I feel her lurking quietly inside, waiting for me to fall asleep at the wheel so she can kick me out of the driver's seat and commandeer the bus.

My Beloved and I had a "discussion" on Friday that has had me thinking about all this ever since.

Misdirected anger. That was the topic.

I was blowing off steam in a spectacular non-stop tirade. When I finished, he pointed out that I wasn't angry - I was simply jealous.

I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it.

And he was, of course, right. I didn't want to hear it at the time - and I still maintain that some of what I was venting about was actually warranted - but still, I know a lot of it was fueled by something uglier.

And I hate that it's in there. It's demoralizing to know that some of the goodness you once had has been displaced by bitterness. It makes the struggle so much harder when it feels like you're battling from the inside out.

And I feel like I've somehow cheated My Beloved by changing into someone who has the capacity to feel spectacular anger and bitterness.

I was never perfect. But at least I wasn't this.

My only defense is vigilance.

I will always need to vent. I will feel jealous and bitter. I will want to rage at the world and have the one person who lost the same child as I did understand that sometimes overwhelming need.

But I will be careful never to let myself get too comfortable or like it too much.

I will be watchful.


B said...

It doesn't matter where you go as long as you don't get stuck there - that has been my little thing I say to myself.

The added burden of worrying about your identity as well as the immediate whatever you are worrying about is weighty indeed.

We see that it is far from being all of you.

And if its means anything I wrestle with the same demons. My inner monster has green green eyes.

Very green.

But some days she sleeps.

Anonymous said...

My little green monster routinely bites me in the a$$. I still haven't found a way to kill the little bugger permanently. I will let you know if I find a way.

Catherine said...

I don't want to be THAT woman either. Fake it till ya make it...that's my motto.

Your husband is a very smart guy.

Polka Dot said...

I don't want to be that woman, either ... but some days I am. It's not pretty and I hate it when I feel the urge to lash out at someone who's done nothing worse than simply talk about their kid. I take pride in being able to resist (so far) getting a t-shirt that says "your child isn't as interesting as you think". I can't promise that I won't get it tomorrow, but I can say that I won't get it today.