Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The blankie

Today I did an odd thing. And I'm not sure why.

My neighbour was over with her 6-month old daughter this afternoon, and when baby J got a little fussified I volunteered to get a blanket to put on the floor so she could lay about and do her baby thing there for a while (since she'd abruptly stopped enjoying being held).

I ran upstairs to the room that once belonged to my little boy and pulled a cozy blanket from the top shelf of the closet. It was, of course, Thomas' blanket. It's been in that closet since the day I received it from a very sweet friend who made it for my Peanut and sent it up to us before he was born.

It's a soft, two-sided fleece blanket with moon and stars and big fluffy clouds on one side and plain white on the other. My friend's handwritten note was still pinned to it with instructions on how to wash it - and how to use it to cuddle up with my Peanut.

I froze for a moment, then unpinned the note and headed back downstairs.

I fought with myself all the way down. Don't use it. Use it. Don't use it. Use it. Don't use it. Use it.

Finally logic prevailed. Thomas is never going to use the blankie, so why not lend it to the little girl next door for a few minutes. What harm could it do? Other than break my heart just a tiny bit, of course.

I paused on the last step before rounding the corner, clutching the blanket to my chest for dear life. Do or die. Round the corner and it's all over - baby J's mom will see the blanket and I won't be able to explain my sudden decision to use a sheet instead. If she sees it and me holding it, it's going on the floor and a real live baby will actually use it.

A baby that's not my own.

I turned the corner, spread the blanket on the floor and smiled and cooed at baby J.

It felt good and horrendous all at the same time. Kind of like that brief feeling of relief you have between stubbing your toe and actually feeling the pain.

I've thought about that blanket a lot. Often when I'm in the closet rummaging around for something else I'll reach up and touch it, thinking about what might have been. I don't have any idea why today I finally got it out and used it.

But somehow I think it was a good thing.

15 comments:

Rosepetal said...

I also think it's a good thing. If Thomas were here, you would have not hesitated about lending something of his to another child. He would have had to share his toys and all of his other things, no? I'm pretty sure you would have taught him how to share.

Woman who knits said...

That was a wonderful thing!!!

Catherine said...

Little steps forward are good. You won't ever forget, but you can't stay stuck in the same place forever. I'm glad you decided to take that step.

JellyJen said...

I bet it meant a lot to your neighbor that you shared Thomas' blanket with her. I am proud of you and can't imagine how hard that was. ((HUGS))

kimberm71 said...

I think you did a wonderful thing. I'm sure Thomas would have loved to see you sharing his blanket with a baby. I'm sure he is smiling at you right now. ((hugs))

delphi said...

Big, big step. Congratulations

Denise said...

I hope the little girl felt the love from Thomas' blanket. I'm glad you felt OK with it after you decided to share it.

Katie said...

HUGE!

HUGE!

HUGE!

You rock.

sillyhummingbird said...

What a huge step to take! It was a beautiful gesture--you should be proud of yourself--that's a hard thing to do--sharing his stuff.

Abby said...

I'm glad baby J enjoyed the blanket I made for Thomas. I know it was hard for you to see another baby using your baby's things, but like you said, it's a good thing. I'm sure Thomas is proud of you, and so am I.

Margaret said...

Wow! I agree, it's a good thing. I'm so glad you followed through and shared Thomas' blanket with J. I can only imagine how hard it was for you.

smileyeily323 said...

Wow, what a huge step! How kind of you to share something of Thomas' with baby J. I am sure it made her very happy. I am so proud of you, I can't imagine how hard it must of been. I am sure Thomas would be very proud of you too. Maybe as she was laying on his blanket he was giving her sweet little angel kisses.
(((hugs)))

miraclebaby said...

That is the sweetest thing that you did. I know how hard that must have been for you.

MB said...

Huge thing. Wonderfully sweet. I hope J's mom got what that meant, enev if she didn't say a word.

kate said...

That is so very sweet of you....like everyone else, i agree that Thomas wouldn't mind sharing his things. It *is* a huge step!