Monday, April 02, 2007

A bigger update

So long story short, I was riddled with scar tissue. Enough that Dr. S. believes it's probably the sole reason we've been trying and failing for as long as we have.

In just a half an hour he freed up my fallopian tubes (which were adhered to their respective ovaries with said scar tissue) burst a little ovarian cyst ("while I was in there", which seems like a perfectly good reason to pop an ovarian cyst to me) and gave us back some hope, which I've definitely been in short supply of lately.

Except now, of course, I'm kind of scared that we really will get pregnant.

I suppose this is a common side effect of infertility, that "HOLY SHIT - WHAT IF I ACTUALLY GET PREGNANT????" panic. Because all I've done for nearly two years is focus on conceiving. I haven't really given much thought to being pregnant, staying pregnant, surviving being pregnant, giving birth, surviving giving birth, and having a take-home baby at the end of it all.

It's all been too abstract. Too hard to fathom after Thomas came and went. Live babies are what other people have. Getting pregnant is what other people do. I just try and fail. And try and fail. And try and fail.

So now that some hope has been restored and my fallopian tubes are the free-flowing, octopus-like structures they should be (seriously, who knew they were octopus-like in their movement??) I guess maybe I can (and possibly should) think beyond conception to pregnancy.

Or maybe I should just wait until I see two pink lines. Because even though I'm allegedly in working order, I still can't quite picture any of this just yet. I'm hopeful, but the scars no doctor can ever get rid of are always going to be in my way.

I know I probably don't sound as grateful and excited as I should. But we're not there yet, and I have no idea what it's going to take to get there. I am grateful that the surgery was a success (except that one tube still appears to be blocked for no apparent reason and there's nothing more to be done for it) and I am grateful to have been given renewed hope.

But I'm also scared.

And I truly am scarred - not just from losing Thomas, but from feeling broken and useless for so long. And from dealing with the sorrow and those awful feelings of guilt over the fact that my body has so steadfastly refused to produce and/or protect a healthy child during the four years we've been trying to get it to do just that.

You can't turn that off like a light switch. You just can't.

The glimmer of hope is there, but right now it's just a tiny pin prick of light.

Give me time. I'll get there.

21 comments:

Aurelia said...

Wow, that's amazing! So I guess he couldn't get too detailed while you were recovering from the anesthetic, but can you guys just TTC as is, or should you be going straight to IVF? Or at least cycle monitoring?

Anyway, I'm just glad you got the lap. As hard as it was, this must feel like the stress was all worth it!

Ruby said...

I'm glad that your recovering well from your surgery and that it was a success!

I can see how the excitement and hope all at once could be a little frightening.

I've been reading your blog now for a few months (and I think yours really lets your personality shine through) and from what I've read.... Your going to take that "glimmer of hope"... and pry open that "tiny pin prick of light" until its expanse is so wide your basking in it.

At least, thats what I hope for you.

Nina-SOS said...

I am glad to hear that there is renewed hope. After suffering from secondary IF, I do know that it is sometimes hard to believe you are pg in the first place. You will get pg and when (note I said WHEN) you do, it will probably be hard to believe and then all those feelings of staying pregnant and taking home a baby will hit. You WILL get there. You are one of the most wonderful souls that has become a part of my life and I wish nothing but the best for you!

Mad Mommy said...

i hope you'll soon be moving on from pregnancy panic to oh-my-god-what-will-i-do-with-this-kid freak outs.

Margaret said...

I'm so glad that the lap has given you back some hope.

Erin said...

I am so glad there is hope again. I understand your being scared, but the end result is worth every moment.

niobe said...

It sounds very encouraging, if understandably scary.

But am I the only one ever-so-slightly freaked out by the thought that my fallopian tubes are (or should be) free-flowing, octopus-like structures??

Sara said...

Such great news, really. I understand the fear, certainly, but I'm so glad Dr. S. believes he's found the "sole reason" for the problem.

Yay! Hope the recovery is still going well. (((((HUGS)))))

miraclebaby said...

here's to the octopus within!

I hope you conceive quickly now that all that scar tissue is gone. Good luck!

Bronwyn said...

Scar tissue be gone! Hope that does the trick and you're up the duff in no time flat. In the meantime, have lots of fun trying!

Chrissy said...

I'm so glad to hear the surgery went so well. I am glad it has brought hope even if it also brought a bit of fear. ((((hugs)))

Bekki said...

I've been lurking for quite awhile now. I have to tell you that when you wrote "the sole reason" tears came to my eyes. I am so happy to hear that. You so deserve to have this hope, and you deserve the happiness that I KNOW is going to follow. I know your scared to hope, but I'm not, so I'll hope for you!! GOOD LUCK!!

Rosemarie said...

Kristin I'm so happy the surgery was a success! That's a big step and I'm so proud that you went back into that scary hospital and did it. Just take it one day at a time. Don't think about the pregnancy, giving birth and having a baby yet. Right now focus on healing from your surgery. It'll be easier for you that way. Small baby steps.

(((HUGS))) Again, I'm so happy you are well.

Katie said...

I'm so glad things went well for you.

And it's perfectly okay to be experiencing the fear, I think. As Lori said recently on my blog, having hope implies some sort of fear. If you had no fear, you'd say you were "certain," not "hopeful." I'm personally working on letting the hope outweigh the fear, for the first time in a long time for me. I hope we're both able to get there.

Rosepetal said...

This is so good to hear. 1) that they found a reason and 2) that they fixed it. I am so glad you got the lap date earlier rather than later as well.

One step at a time. I am feeling numb rather than terrified. But I didn't think there was any sort of preparation I could do to be honest. That's why I understand it better when people say one day at a time.

My fingers are crossed for you.

Rosepetal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lori said...

I'm so glad to hear that the Dr thinks he took care of the problem!! I think having just a glimmer of hope at this point is perfectly normal. Just take it one day at a time. ((hugs))

JMB said...

What great news! It's nice to hear that the doc was so optimistic.

I understand about the fear and how you can get so focused in on IF that you aren't able to even think about the possibility of anything actually working. That certainly was the case when, after four years, I finally got the good call from my RE's office. However, I think that it is a way of protecting us from having to digest more than we can handle. Sometimes looking at the big picture can be so overwhelming.

At this point, it's one issue at a time. Recover,reassess, and go forward. I hope that I get to read about the "holy sh*t" moment when you achieve your goal very soon. You deserve this so much.

austins mom said...

I am so happy that the surgery went well and that you have found some hope again. I am wishing you all best and I pray you have a pregnancy to worry about very soon!!!
HUGS dear!!!

kate said...

I'm glad it was a success! Here's to a pinprick of hope!

wannabe mom said...

i'm late! sending you good wishes. you sound optimistic, and that's sooo great. you deserve wonderfulness in your life.