You know what I hate? I hate that I can't see the world through eyes other than my own. And I really hate that sometimes it turns me into a bitter, judgmental cow.
I hate that I can't listen to someone else's birth story and see it as anything but a walk in the park - no matter how long, painful or scary they may have found it - if they came home with a live baby at the end of it. A live baby cancels out all the rest of it to me. I know that's unfair. I know it.
I hate that sometimes hearing about someone's "really bad day" makes me suddenly seethe inside when they start to rhyme off a laundry list of things that I consider fruit fly-sized problems. Dead babies make for a really bad day, not missing your bus or spilling coffee on your crotch.
I hate that I understand that we all see life based solely on our own experiences. I hate that I get it - that I get that for some lucky son-of-a-gun a lap full of coffee is the baseline for bad luck.
If I didn't get it, it would be so much easier to just hate everyone and their petty annoyances. But because I do get it, I can't. I have to feel these ugly, judgmental feelings, then talk myself out of them by reminding myself that people only know what they know.
I just hate that I know so much.
8 comments:
"Dead babies make for a really bad day, not missing your bus or spilling coffee on your crotch."
That pretty much says it all. I've got that really bad day thing covered too--and believe me, there's no spilled coffee, no spilled milk in sight!
Shazam.
I hate that someone else pregnant belly is a symbol of what I don't have.
I hate that other kids are a yard stick to measure where Maya would be if she was living.
I hate that I know a jealousy so deep that not only does it want what others have, it cuts like knives to see other peoples happiness in good things.
I hate trying to be honest about this and not turn into the worlds most bitter person.
So so so true - it's like our perspectives has been set to 'extreme' or something like that - things that would once have irked us no longer even register on our radars...
x
This is a great post. I can really relate to struggling with my reality v. other people's realities and having compassion for other people in their realities in light of mine. You've managed (once again) to string together words to really accurately describe my feelings.
But it is also true that your reality has shown you a really fucking bad day. A whole lot of them. Which means that in your world, their problems ARE not that big, and I think you do get to feel annoyed. I only mean this by way of saying that you shouldn't have to chastise yourself for feeling what you are feeling-- it's just as objective a reality as that of those people you are listening too. I am trying to balance those two thoughts in my head at the same time. Not easy, but I figure I am as much a person as they are. Right?
Yup, I totally get this post.
Perspective, perspective.
I suffer from the same condition. You captured it really well here.
I've been lurking for about 8 months and just want to de-lurk to to tell you I feel the same way, and I have been fortunate to deliver a healthy son after the full-term stillbirth of my son. It's no character flaw or sign of moral weakness. It just is the way we feel. I have a healthy newborn and I'm still so jealous of other pregnant women. I too hope it ends because it consumes me so much.
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