Saturday, October 06, 2007

Thanksgiving weekend musings

You know you're completely domesticated when you have somehow memorized the expiration date of at least three perishables in your fridge.

It seems very, very wrong to have the air conditioning running on Thanksgiving weekend. And yet we do. When it's 30C with the humidex I don't care WHAT day of the year it is, the a/c goes on.

At least 5 friends, both real and "virtual" have given birth in the last month. The biggest baby booms always seem to hit when I'm struggling the most to keep my bereaved, barren head above water.

I held a newborn baby this week. It was just the third time since Thomas died. She was small and sweet and felt so warm and soft as she fell asleep in my arms. It was love at first sight. I only wish it didn't bring back such vivid memories of holding Thomas, so still and quiet. But it did. I'm sure it always will. And that just has to be okay with all of us.

This weekend I am thankful despite everything.

It looks like the Mass of Remembrance at my church is a go! I'm nailing down a speaker for after Mass (from a local bereaved parents "ministry" organized by a church in a neighbouring city) and once I do everything else should fall neatly into place. My priest, who is both kind and unbelievably compassionate, agreed to virtually everything I proposed. Kind of makes me wonder why his boss doesn't seem to want to listen to me. Clearly my ideas aren't ALL bad...

I can't wait for turkey. And then turkey again with the in-laws. And then turkey sandwiches. Me and my tummy are pretty easy to please.

If I was shorter and had a good mask, it's entirely possible that I'd still go trick-or-treating.

Every Halloween while I'm sitting in the darkened front room waiting for My Beloved to come home from work to join me in the door-answering extravaganza, I quietly tell Thomas what costume I'd have gotten for him, and how he'd have been the cutest little trick-or-treater on the street.

The last few weeks has been difficult for me. The strange high I was on after the miscarriage has disappeared, as I suspected it would, and in its place is a bit of a delayed grief reaction. I was so happy to have survived the complications from the D&C (and so worried about my own health in the days following) that I think I blocked the whole horrible reality of the situation out of my head. And it has found its way back in. Fantastic.

If I slept for a year it wouldn't seem like enough rest for my battered body and my ravaged mind. And that's grief in a nutshell.


Rosepetal said...

I have not so much as more than glanced at a newborn since V. died, let alone hold one. I don't know at all how I would react. And I have only just sent my first congratulations on the birth of your baby card, to one of my dearest friends who has just had her third baby boy - third living baby boy that is. I'm also going through somewhat of a baby boom at the moment which I am just studiously ignoring for the most part.

And it would help me if I could remember the dates of my perishables in the fridge - so much better than throwing out some long-forgotten mouldy yuck three weeks afterwards....

I'm glad your idea for the Mass of Remembrance is moving forward.

Hang in there K. You're such a loving, kind person. These days are still dark. Your miscarriage was very recent. Thinking of you.

love RP

Sunny said...

Great post! The halloween thoughts broke my heart.


Granny said...

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Sometimes there just isn't anything anyone can say that will help but I want you to know that I'm reading and thinking of you even when I don't say much.

I'm glad you were able to enjoy a little of your Thanksgiving.

Julia said...

The whole thing is so unfair and so hard. But you knew that.
Grief is so sneaky, I find. It can fool you with a lull, and then sneak up on you in full force. I hope being with family will be good for you this weekend.
I am thinking of you.

Catherine said...

Holidays are difficult. And the fact that so many seem to come in such a short time during this time of year seems cruel. I hope that, at the very least, the turkey is good.

At the risk of sounding condescending, I am SO proud of you for organizing the Mass of Remembrance. It is a good thing you are doing...for others...and yourself.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace.

Now how do I become domesticated? My regrigerator is a house of horrors right now.

Heather said...

I have a question - if I am completely out of line or need to shut up, please tell me.

I just wonder, do you always think you will hold Thomas when you hold an infant? Even if the infant is yours? Or do you think your new baby will slowly help you to not grieve Thomas with every baby you see/hold? Not that you won't think of him - but might it be less painful in time?

I'm so happy the service is coming together and it is being supported.

kate said...

Happy belated Thanksgiving....

Carole said...

I don't think I could hold a newborn. There is a new baby at church a year younger than Joseph. It's all I can do to look at him.

I'm thinking of you during this time.