Thursday, September 22, 2005

The green eyed monster

Wow. Jealousy really IS a monstrous thing, isn't it? I was cleaning the kitchen a little while ago and happened to catch a fleeting glimpse of our neighbour behind us. She was holding what I'm almost positive is their brand new baby.

I froze, then backed away from the window. Nice reaction.

I really hate the sorrow and jealousy I feel when I see a new mom and her baby. Our neighbours are really nice - we like them a lot - and their first little boy (who's now almost two) is adorable. They deserve to be happy - they deserve to have a beautiful new addition to their family who, from the looks of things, arrived safely not too long ago.

They deserve it all.

So why do I feel so empty inside? Why don't I feel happy for them like I SHOULD? I should feel happy for them. They wanted a baby, they tried, and their baby is now home safely in their arms. I should be thrilled that a new life has found its way safely home.

But I'm just sad and jealous instead.

I feel like a horrible, miserable excuse for a human being right now. How can I not be happy when I know how much it means to have a healthy child in your arms? I, of all people, should understand what a thrillingly wonderful thing that is to bring a child safely into the world.

But instead, after seeing my neighbour and her new baby, I wanted to curl up in a ball on the kitchen floor and bang my head against the tiles.

Oh GOD!!! When will this STOP????? At what point will I feel perhaps just a twinge of sorrow but mostly joy when I see or hear about a new mother? I'm terrified that I'm going to alienate my pregnant friends who can't possibly fathom the depths of my sorrow and who must see me as a miserable, jealous hag - particularly if they're reading this.

I'm not a hag - I swear I'm not. I just can't find any personal joy in someone else's new baby right now. I'm so sorry. I can't apologize enough for how awful this is and I can't tell you how awful I feel inside. I'm not lying when I tell you that I'm happy for you - I am, most truly I am - but it leaves me empty inside at the same time. It's an awful truth, isn't it?

I just don't understand why my baby had to die when babies are coming into the world and into their new homes all around me. Literally all around me. Two across the street and two behind. Four babies, all safe and sound. And mine is dead.

I will never, ever understand this.


Jennifer said...

You are NOT (I repeat NOT) a miserable excuse for a human being. You are not wishing bad on any of them - you are just wishing their happiness for yourself as well. I am sure somewhere in you there is happiness for these new moms but it is your feelings for yourself that are naturally coming to the forefront. Though I have not been through it it seems what you are feeling is completely legitimate and natural.

It is ok to be sad and jealous - please don't beat yourself up over feeling like this. You have nothing to be sorry for.

I wish with all my heart I could do something to help or tell you when this will go away but I can't so I will leave you with ((HUGS)) for the most un-horrible person I "know".

Erin said...

Oh Honey it's soooooooooooooooo ok to feel this way. I hate to use the cliché that time will heal all wounds but I promise you it will.

Now I'm going to sounds like a total quack job here but I truly believe we all pick the events of our lives before we ever enter this world. We are born to live a lesson and it won't be until we die that we remember what that lesson is. Both Sandy and you decided this was to happen beforehand and you wouldn't give yourself more than you could handle. Thomas also chose his brief life too. Now if you believe any of that you can take comfort that Thomas is happy and the both of you will be ok too. Nothing happens overnight.


Catherine said...

They deserve it all.

So do you. And it's that patent unfairness...the seeming randomness with which the universe hands out happiness...that makes you unhappy and jealous. Some days I want to scream, "What did I do to deserve this? What makes her more deserving than me?" I won't tell you it's ok to feel these feelings, because I don't know that there is a "right" or "wrong" here. I will tell you that you are not alone. I hope that that helps in some small way.

Jill said...

There is one kind of pain for those of us who lose our babies long before they would ever have had a chance and and then an added twist of cruelty for people like you who had it almost in your grasp only to have it ripped away.

Given that, that you can find hapiness in yourself for other people along side your own longing and grief is no small feat. To reference your last post, if that isn't living beautifully without Thomas, I don't know what is. And that is not to mention the compassion you express for so many and the way you revel in a gorgeous day by getting out there and experiencing nature.

It hurts, excruciatingly so, but Kristin, you are doing the very best you can and it is better than anyone could ever ask of you. Please know, in your heart, that you are doing all the right things to get to place some day where the twinge of sadness is far smaller than the joy that caused it.

Abby said...

You are not a miserable excuse for a human or a miserable hag. In fact, miserable is a word I would never use to describe you. You are a mother who lost her son.

You're right -- most of us can't begin to imagine what you're going through and the feelings you have to deal with on a daily basis. Even so, you don't need to feel like you have to apologize for your feelings. Feeling like you need to make others feel better when you're hurting so much is just one of the things about you that makes you such a non-miserable person. But still, stop it!

I wish I could do or say more to make it all better. I know I can't, though, so I'll just send you as much H&S as I can and hope that helps the tiniest bit.

cjzben said...

You are not miserable, or terrible or mean you just miss him and it hurts. I know you to be a truly wonderful person and its just so unfair that you have to go through this. I want you to know I am smenking you some hugs.

vixanne wigg said...

I think these feelings are very normal. They're painful and they suck and they make you feel like a bad person, but they are normal. My therapist told me that the root word of bereavement is from the word "rob." It's hard not to feel jealous and bitter when you were robbed and someone else wasn't, and there's no reason why.

deadbabymama said...

Everyone else has said all of the correct, useful things so I'll just say 'mwaaaah!' and offer you some hugs.