Wow. Jealousy really IS a monstrous thing, isn't it? I was cleaning the kitchen a little while ago and happened to catch a fleeting glimpse of our neighbour behind us. She was holding what I'm almost positive is their brand new baby.
I froze, then backed away from the window. Nice reaction.
I really hate the sorrow and jealousy I feel when I see a new mom and her baby. Our neighbours are really nice - we like them a lot - and their first little boy (who's now almost two) is adorable. They deserve to be happy - they deserve to have a beautiful new addition to their family who, from the looks of things, arrived safely not too long ago.
They deserve it all.
So why do I feel so empty inside? Why don't I feel happy for them like I SHOULD? I should feel happy for them. They wanted a baby, they tried, and their baby is now home safely in their arms. I should be thrilled that a new life has found its way safely home.
But I'm just sad and jealous instead.
I feel like a horrible, miserable excuse for a human being right now. How can I not be happy when I know how much it means to have a healthy child in your arms? I, of all people, should understand what a thrillingly wonderful thing that is to bring a child safely into the world.
But instead, after seeing my neighbour and her new baby, I wanted to curl up in a ball on the kitchen floor and bang my head against the tiles.
Oh GOD!!! When will this STOP????? At what point will I feel perhaps just a twinge of sorrow but mostly joy when I see or hear about a new mother? I'm terrified that I'm going to alienate my pregnant friends who can't possibly fathom the depths of my sorrow and who must see me as a miserable, jealous hag - particularly if they're reading this.
I'm not a hag - I swear I'm not. I just can't find any personal joy in someone else's new baby right now. I'm so sorry. I can't apologize enough for how awful this is and I can't tell you how awful I feel inside. I'm not lying when I tell you that I'm happy for you - I am, most truly I am - but it leaves me empty inside at the same time. It's an awful truth, isn't it?
I just don't understand why my baby had to die when babies are coming into the world and into their new homes all around me. Literally all around me. Two across the street and two behind. Four babies, all safe and sound. And mine is dead.
I will never, ever understand this.