Monday, September 19, 2005

It has to be done

Like so many other miserable things I've had to do since Thomas died, I have to finish packing away his things. It has to be done. When we took down the nursery in April we carefully packed up all his sweet little clothes, blankets, gifts and nursery items and My Beloved took them down to the basement.

And there they remain, stacked in a large pile right in the middle of our storage room.

I now have the same feeling about that pile of stuff that I did about the nursery before we took it down. It feels like it's all organized and neat, just waiting for someone who's never going to use it. I can't bear that feeling of expectancy when I see it all sitting there.

So on the weekend we bought a new shelving unit and I'm going to put it up today and fill it with the tubs of Thomas' things.

I haven't been able to let go of anything except his diapers, creams and lotions, a few pregnancy books and magazines and his baby bath. We donated those to a home for unwed mothers in April. Everything else - everything we lovingly bought or were excitedly given - is down in the basement waiting for the baby who will never use them.

It seems like a waste - there's so much need in the world and there's a whole nursery of beautiful things stacked in our basement - but I can't touch it. It all belongs to Thomas and it would feel like giving him away in some strange way. I have so little of him, so few memories and just a handful of pictures, but I do have all his sweet little things. I can hold on to those - no doctors or nurses can tell me I have to say goodbye to them (like I had to say goodbye to him) if I don't want to.

If we don't have another baby I'll obviously eventually let most of it go, but right now it's just too soon for me to give anything that belonged to him away. I know if he could talk to me right now he'd tell me to let it go - to let go - but since he can't and I'm a sentimental fool at the best of times, it's all staying right where it is for now.

Sorry Thomas, but Mommy's doing her best.


Julie said...

I am sure Thomas KNOWS his mommy is doing her best. I think you are doing a really good job too.

As far as putting the things away, I couldn't get rid of ANYTHING. I kept it all, including the baby bath products. I just couldn't get rid of any of it. It eventually got to the point where I narrowed it down to 3 or 4 outfits to put away in the cedar chest to keep for ONLY Caleb, and even then I didn't get rid of anything. I just put all of the other things in place to use for another baby. Eventually you may be able to pick out a few special things to keep forever, but maybe you won't. You might decide to keep it all, and that's ok too. (((((((hugs))))))) Sending you strength.

vixanne wigg said...

Like Julie, I did not get rid of anything. I did not take down the nursery at all. I kept it up because I was determined to use it.

I don't think you have to feel bad about your decision no matter what it is. It's certainly not a situation you'd ever imagine finding yourself in :(

Catherine said...

You asked in a previous post how you make Thomas real when you have so few memories of him surrounding his birth. It sounds like that is just what you are doing...making and holding onto the memories of him that you have (not to mention the memory of the hopes and dreams you had FOR him). I think it's a nice thing. And maybe someday you will use those things...but maybe you won't. You do whatever you have to do to make it through.

Jill said...

There are so many things to feel torn over for you, so please don't worry about not wanting to give away the life you had planned and all the things that would have made it happen.

There is no right answer, please be kind to yourself. FWIW, I wouldn't be giving it away yet either. Maybe not ever.

Lori said...

Thomas knows that you are doing your best. As for giving his stuff away, I don't think I would be able to either. Don't beat yourself up about it. You need to do what's best for your peace of mind.

Nina said...

You are doing everything you can, Kristin. I haven't even begun to go through my mom's things. Her room is exactly as it was in March give or take the washed sheets.
I try to get to it every weekend. Every weekend something comes up and I put it on the backburner. My DH says it is ok. I guess I am just not ready....