Like so many other miserable things I've had to do since Thomas died, I have to finish packing away his things. It has to be done. When we took down the nursery in April we carefully packed up all his sweet little clothes, blankets, gifts and nursery items and My Beloved took them down to the basement.
And there they remain, stacked in a large pile right in the middle of our storage room.
I now have the same feeling about that pile of stuff that I did about the nursery before we took it down. It feels like it's all organized and neat, just waiting for someone who's never going to use it. I can't bear that feeling of expectancy when I see it all sitting there.
So on the weekend we bought a new shelving unit and I'm going to put it up today and fill it with the tubs of Thomas' things.
I haven't been able to let go of anything except his diapers, creams and lotions, a few pregnancy books and magazines and his baby bath. We donated those to a home for unwed mothers in April. Everything else - everything we lovingly bought or were excitedly given - is down in the basement waiting for the baby who will never use them.
It seems like a waste - there's so much need in the world and there's a whole nursery of beautiful things stacked in our basement - but I can't touch it. It all belongs to Thomas and it would feel like giving him away in some strange way. I have so little of him, so few memories and just a handful of pictures, but I do have all his sweet little things. I can hold on to those - no doctors or nurses can tell me I have to say goodbye to them (like I had to say goodbye to him) if I don't want to.
If we don't have another baby I'll obviously eventually let most of it go, but right now it's just too soon for me to give anything that belonged to him away. I know if he could talk to me right now he'd tell me to let it go - to let go - but since he can't and I'm a sentimental fool at the best of times, it's all staying right where it is for now.
Sorry Thomas, but Mommy's doing her best.