Thursday, September 15, 2005

Oops I'm bitter again

So Britney's a mom.

Yes, yes, it's mean and spiteful and I know I shouldn't feel this way because heaven knows I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I have, but I still can't help feeling seethingly jealous of the vapid little pop tart who wanted a baby, decided to have one and got it. Just like that.

She's 23. She has a gazillion fresh eggs left in there - she can have baseball team if she and her smirking rat of a husband want to.

I'm 35. All I can do is pray that there's ONE good egg left and that my body will be able to sustain it if it does get fertilized. I just want one child before my insides wither up and die.

I know it's not fair (or healthy, for that matter) to compare myself to anyone else and I know baby making isn't a race, it's just that it's impossibly hard to see other people get exactly what they want with what appears to be so little effort. Again, I know - not fair.

But you know what? Neither is having two miscarriages then finally bringing a beautiful boy into the world only to find out he's brain dead and going to die. That's not fucking fair either. So there. Take THAT pop tart!

I think I heard about her pregnancy before I even got out of the hospital. I knew it was going to be a torturous ride, seeing her fat, growing belly splashed all over the cover of every magazine on the rack every time she so much as sneezed.

And it was. From her "I've got the golden ticket" t-shirt with an arrow pointing to her blossoming belly at the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory premiere to her ridiculously lavish Moroccan themed baby shower. It's been like a train wreck. I couldn't take my jealous eyes off of it, even though it was like a dagger through the heart with every turn of the page.

And she had a boy. She HAD to have a boy.

I know this probably seems like a crazy-lady rant, but I don't actually care all that much. I would challenge anyone who thinks I'm nuts to walk a mile in my shoes.

It's a sad fact. Pregnancy doesn't hold the promise it once did for me. All three times it has ended in sorrow and death and so seeing it happen so wonderfully and magically for someone like Britney Spears is really hard. It isn't that I don't wish her and her baby boy well. Of course I do (not that she cares) but I just don't think I should be expected to find personal joy in it.

Fuck it. Maybe I am nuts.


Lisa P. said...

I can't explain why all the hype around BS's pregnancy, from announcement to birth, has been so hard on me when other celebs haven't, but I'm there with you. For some reason it hurts in a part of my heart that I can't quite describe. So you're not nuts, at all.

Catherine said...

For me it hasn't been the actual pregnancy that has bothered me. What bothers me is knowing that her son will eventually be set aside like all the must-have toys from previous seasons. She will get bored with being mommy...with spitup and poop and snot...and then that child will be relegated to the care of a nanny. I hope it's not true. But when someone has a marriage that lasts HOURS, how can I not think she'll change her mind about this too? It makes me unbearably sad to think of all the things I would trade for the spitup and poop and snot...when she will be thinking of what she has to trade to get away from it all.

Abby said...

You're not nuts, I promise. Life has been horribly unfair to you, and it always seems especially unfair to see someone else have everything come to them so easily and effortlessly. It makes me cringe to see how much some people take for granted because they haven't been through hell and back and they just don't get it.

By the way, I know you weren't exactly trying to be funny, but you made me giggle with your blog title and your commments about Britney and her "smirking rat of a husband." See, a true nutcase could never be funny in the midst of her pain! ;)


Jules2pies4me said...

You my friend are NOT nuts, I promise. Pop tart is more than kind of you to use, I would've gone with classless skank or ass-monkey myself but hey that's me. For the record:
-taping pennies all over your body to conduct my energy...NUTS
-the amount of cat puke on my white carpet....NUTS
-thinking I'll ever be able to kick chocolate...NUTS
-thinking for one second you're ever alone ....NUTS
You get the picture :)

Jules2pies4me said...

Editing my post...
I really did have a patient tape pennies to his body to conduct MORE energy not MY energy LOL...

Not funny I know but if you need more of these, I'm your woman!

Jill said...

Look, it's better to be nuts than not cos only the sane go crazy. It can't happen to the likes of us!!

Her pg was announced days after my m/c and I hated her for it cos it was just too easy and it should have been me.

Oh well, life goes on and my kids will be better off than hers so i thumb my nose to her, all the while wishing for some of her endless cash!

Sherry said...

You're definitely not nuts. In fact, it's as if you plucked MY thoughts on this news out of my head and made it sound perfect through your words.