Sunday, September 18, 2005

Lost: one peaceful mind and a head of hair

I've lost many things since Thomas died. My sweet little baby wasn't the only thing that died that day in March. I've lost my innocence, I've lost trust in God, I've lost hope, I've lost peace of mind, I've lost my love of socializing, I've lost my ability to make commitments (thank God I'm already married), I've lost the patience I once had - I've lost a lot of things.

And now I'm losing my hair.

I can hear the engine of the pity train revving in the distance and yes, that means I'm about to hop on board for another trip around Pitysville, but seriously, have I not lost enough?

I knew my lovely, thick pregnancy hair was going to fall out, I just didn't think I'd really notice it the way I am. It's starting to really freak me out. I have two sets of bangs now - one normal set and one tiny, weird fringe hiding beneath it. The tiny fringe is, I can only surmise, a remnant of bigger bangs lost to the hormone roller coaster I've been riding since giving birth.

I'm wondering how much more of my bangs I'm going to lose. Is my hair going to recede like my Dad's? Am I going to wake up one morning with the male pattern baldness of my 75-year old father? He's got great hair for a man his age - but I'm not a man his age. I'm a woman 40 years his junior and I don't want his lovely old man hair.

I've already got his nose (a nose I passed along to Thomas) and that's all I want from him. Well, other than my sparkling wit, of course.

My Beloved thinks I'm insane. He says I've got enough to worry about and going bald isn't something I should add to the list. All well and good for him to say, he's got all his hair. And WAY less gray than I have too. Don't get me started on the amount of gray pregnancy hormones have given me.

But I guess if I go bald I won't have to worry about the gray.

I know it probably sounds like I'm minimizing the greatest loss I'll ever know by talking about my thinning bangs, but there are days that I'd just rather focus on my thinning bangs than on my open, gaping wound.

I guess my only consolation is that Britney's going to lose her hair too. Thank goodness for small mercies. I know she has the money to have the world's top stylists work their magic with weaves and fancy hair pieces, and, if all else fails, she can have a designer create a stunning collection of hats and head scarves; but she and I will know the truth. She'll have a tiny, weird little fringe underneath it all too.

At least I have that.


Catherine said...

My hair has been falling out for about a month now. I thought the weird little fringe was new hair growing in, since my old hair seems to be falling out in entire clumps of long strands and doesn't seem to be breaking off. Either way...I look like a duckling and it's starting to tick me off. But that's something I've lost ability to NOT be mad at anything and everything. I hope neither of us goes bald.

Jill said...

I was prepared for the hairloss after pregnancy...I thought. But after MONTHS of pulling clumps out and clogging up the drains I thought it was never going to stop and that there was indeed a much more serious problem.

Well it's fine and it stopped eventually and the fact that my hair reached halfway down my back makes it seem a lot worse.

You'll be fine and it probably won't look weird or even noticable to folks you haven't told. But it just sucks that after all of it, we are left with these mocking reminders of what isn't here.