I've lost many things since Thomas died. My sweet little baby wasn't the only thing that died that day in March. I've lost my innocence, I've lost trust in God, I've lost hope, I've lost peace of mind, I've lost my love of socializing, I've lost my ability to make commitments (thank God I'm already married), I've lost the patience I once had - I've lost a lot of things.
And now I'm losing my hair.
I can hear the engine of the pity train revving in the distance and yes, that means I'm about to hop on board for another trip around Pitysville, but seriously, have I not lost enough?
I knew my lovely, thick pregnancy hair was going to fall out, I just didn't think I'd really notice it the way I am. It's starting to really freak me out. I have two sets of bangs now - one normal set and one tiny, weird fringe hiding beneath it. The tiny fringe is, I can only surmise, a remnant of bigger bangs lost to the hormone roller coaster I've been riding since giving birth.
I'm wondering how much more of my bangs I'm going to lose. Is my hair going to recede like my Dad's? Am I going to wake up one morning with the male pattern baldness of my 75-year old father? He's got great hair for a man his age - but I'm not a man his age. I'm a woman 40 years his junior and I don't want his lovely old man hair.
I've already got his nose (a nose I passed along to Thomas) and that's all I want from him. Well, other than my sparkling wit, of course.
My Beloved thinks I'm insane. He says I've got enough to worry about and going bald isn't something I should add to the list. All well and good for him to say, he's got all his hair. And WAY less gray than I have too. Don't get me started on the amount of gray pregnancy hormones have given me.
But I guess if I go bald I won't have to worry about the gray.
I know it probably sounds like I'm minimizing the greatest loss I'll ever know by talking about my thinning bangs, but there are days that I'd just rather focus on my thinning bangs than on my open, gaping wound.
I guess my only consolation is that Britney's going to lose her hair too. Thank goodness for small mercies. I know she has the money to have the world's top stylists work their magic with weaves and fancy hair pieces, and, if all else fails, she can have a designer create a stunning collection of hats and head scarves; but she and I will know the truth. She'll have a tiny, weird little fringe underneath it all too.
At least I have that.