Saturday, September 17, 2005

Here they come...

Last night I had a nightmare and woke up to find I'm living it.

So it seems the dreams about Thomas - the bad ones - are now starting to come. I had one terrible nightmare the day after I came home from the hospital, but since then I've been pretty much spared. I actually had a really sweet dream about him once - I woke up smiling. But now the nightmares are coming. They're creeping into my otherwise generally benign dreams and inflicting pain I once only felt in my waking hours.

I thought I was going to avoid this, but I guess my head just gave me a six month reprieve, that's all.

The weird thing is the nightmares aren't scary or weird - they're horrific because they're so fact based. They ARE real in so many ways.

I've gotten used to night being my refuge from the pain, and now even that isn't safe anymore.


But maybe it's a good sign. Maybe it means I've healed enough to be able to tackle it in my dreams too. Maybe I don't need the refuge anymore.

But why does it feel like I do?


Jennifer said...

I am so sorry you are having these nightmares... you certainly have suffered more than enough. I know there is not much I can do but I am sending lots of (((HUGS))) your way - hoping the nightmares go away soon and you can enjoy your nights again.

Catherine said...

As a frequent nightmare sufferer regarding my own loss, I can sympathize with the feeling that there is no safe refuge. The only advice I have is to talk about them. It somehow takes their power away and gives you some balance and understanding.