Friday, October 27, 2006

Good to know, good to know.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to make apple pie when you're so hopped up on fertility medications that you can barely think straight, you're beyond tired and you hate pretty much everyone who breathes.

I'm quite serious about this. Don't do it. It'll end in tears and a spectacular kitchen tantrum compete with the pitching of dough, the whipping of pantry doors with a damp dish towel and swearing that would make a sailor blush.

And while you're at it, don't listen to that snobby Hampton bitch ina garten (who is too chic to use capitals, sweetie) who claims you can make pastry dough in your stand mixer. You can't. At least not the "No Fail Pastry" recipe Crisco has on the back of its package. It does fail - and quite dramatically - when you attempt to make it in your stand mixer.

You'll peer deep into the bowl of sticky, yellowish dough and wonder if a little extra flour will do the trick. But it won't. It'll appear as though the dough has been repaired (at which point a little self-satisfied gloating might ensue) but it's not actually fixed.

Not buy a crumbly long-shot.

It won't roll out. It'll just crack and fall apart. And then fall apart some more. It will mock you like you've never been mocked before until finally in a fit of rage you'll throw the whole works into the garbage, seething and spewing like a madwoman all the while.

Please don't ask me how I know all this. Just trust me, I do.


Laura said...

Oh Kristin, I'm laughing because I've done the exact same thing. I've screamed the eff-word at the top of my lungs, heaved the bastard crust over my head and threw it in the trash as hard as I could. I've done this more than once.The crisco people are big fat liars. Never fail, my ass. Tom just leaves the house when it's time to bake pies for the fair.

Okay, this is the recipe that I use now. The lady I got it from wins grand champion at the fair every year, no one can beat her. (**Sneaking in to your kitchen, dodgeing dishtowels, leaving recipe on counter, slowly backing away.***)
The Best Pie Crust in the Universe-
3 c. AP flour
1 tsp salt
1-1/4 c. Butter Crisco (very cold!!)
Work this into pebbles with pastry blender. (IMO, the only thing that works. Better than a Cuisinart. A stand mixer? ina garten is on crack.)
In a cup, mix together:
1 egg and 1 Tb. vinegar and 5 Tb water. All of this needs to be really cold, too. I make it ahead of time and keep it in the fridge.

Toss in the wet stuff with a fork, gradually. It will probably look dry and crappy in places, don't worry! Squish it into 2 balls, flatten into disks, and wrap each in saran. Put it in the fridge and don't even look at it for at least 3 hours. 24 is better. This stuff rolls out like a dream, no lie. It's good for one deep dish, double crust or 3 little, shallow pies.

Hope you don't mind the assvice. This is just a trade for the awesome butter tart recipe that I need to make now that I have mini tart pans!

DinosaurD said...

Good to know.
Do I dare say good luck with the rest of the cycle?

Katie said...

Actually, sounds like this was really good therapy. Great alternative to road rage or spousal/child abuse. Taking out frustrations on dough = good. Taking out frustrations on people = bad.

LMAO thanks for capturing the experience BEAUTIFULLY. Great writing.

Now go buy some cheap a$$ cookie dough at the grocery store and dig in.

Denise said...

I don't even attempt pastry DH does...that way if it is awful I have someone to blame. How sad is that? Maybe the answer is to stick to cooking cake...cake is good...cake and clomid even have a nice alliterative quality about them.

Aidan's Mom said...

I've got a whole year of fertility medication induced maddness behind me. I recommend buying a store bought dough.
good luck with the pie and this cycle. Everything crossed it works out (pie and baby).

MB said...

And THAT my friend, is why they make frozen pie crusts. Save the making from scratch of anything for when you know you have it in you...

I can't even tell you when I cooked last. Thank God my mom is here or we would seriously be running out of places to eat where they don't know us when we walk in and know what we want to order.

It's a sad, sad state of affairs. I only have one injecttion left before I start the progesterone...and it's what hits me the worst. Ugh.


Oh, and for the record...I hate ina garten.