So I was thinking about the whole God thing in church the other day (instead of planning the week's dinners or mentally writing to-do lists, which is often what ends up happening when I'm trying to pay attention at Mass) and I think I might have had a bit of a breakthrough.
Since Thomas died I've been waiting for God to show himself to me - to speak to me in a way that made some kind of sense. To speak to me at all. I've been begging him to somehow be present in my life and to show me that he cares. Essentially I've been asking him to prove to me that he still loves me.
Because after what he did to me, it was hard to know.
And yeah, I guess I kind of wanted him to explain himself. Not because he owed it to me, but because if he's such a nice God he'd want to.
But despite my relentless pleading, all I ever heard was silence.
Or so I thought...
As I was sitting waiting for Mass to start on Sunday, a little realization wormed its way into my head. God isn't going to walk through my door with a magic wand, fix what ails me and explain away Thomas' death. It's never going to happen. It doesn't work that way.
But countless friends have walked through my door, and with them they brought comfort, friendship and support. Family have offered hugs, endless love and a safe place to hide when things were dark and I needed the comfort of familiar places and rituals. Strangers have sent me e-mails, cards and gifts. I have made strong, life-saving connections with with some wonderful women in blogland who have also lost children. Countless donations have been made in Thomas' name to charities around the world. People everywhere have prayed for him and for us - and maybe even for that moment of realization I had in church on Sunday.
I didn't actually expect the big Guy to ring the bell and invite himself in for coffee. I'm not completely delusional just yet. But I think I was expecting some sort of clearly recognizable grand gesture that would suddenly make everything make sense.
I didn't realize it would be hundreds of small gestures made by people who care about us.
And in them, I see God.