Friday, February 02, 2007

In the night

It's kind of weird what you do when it's late, you're tired and you're approaching the end of a week that ran over you like a freight train.

My Beloved dozed off long before I did last night. He was soundly sleeping for an hour or more before I finally turned off the light.

But before I did, I looked at him. I watched him sleeping and thought of Thomas, who looked so much like his Daddy it's unreal. Sometimes I see him in My Beloved - the purse of his lips or the shape of his chin - and I wanted to see it last night. It comforts me to see them in each other, to see the parts of Thomas that came from the man I love so much.

I know it sounds like it's an agonizing thing to do, to look for reminders of your dead child in the face of your living husband, but it's not. And it's not morbid either (not to me, anyway - but then again I do a lot of things that I now don't consider morbid that actually probably are).

As time passes, Thomas sometimes feels like a beautiful dream I once had. So when I can find a way to make him real again, even for a few moments, I do.

As I looked into My Beloved's peaceful face and searched for reminders of our little boy, I quietly whispered things that are sometimes too hard to say out loud, then kissed him softly three times and went to sleep.

It makes me want to cry that this is our life, but I'm also so grateful that we've figured out ways to make it okay just the same.


Woman who knits said...

You guys love each other so much. I think it's beautiful you look for Thomas in your Beloved's face. It just shows that Thomas is never too far from you.

Angela said...

Wow. This is beautiful.

I don't even know what to say.

I don't think it's a morbid thing to do, and I think you are blessed to be able to to see bits of your son in your husband. This is a very real and stunning piece.

Rosepetal said...

My son looked like my husband too and I sometimes do a double take when he is dozing or has his eyes closed (since I only ever saw Moksha with his eyes closed). My son looked almost exactly like his Daddy. It breaks my heart and makes me so proud at the same time.


And for your last post, regardless of the physical part, it is always scary to try some new thing as as long as you are not trying it it is still an option. I felt that way about starting to temp - which I am NOT comparing to a lap - just the feeling of, well what if it shows I am not ovulating?

But I really hope that you get some good and useful information out of it. And yes DO cut yourself some slack!

lots of love

P.S. My niece and my SIL love the hat - my niece hates wearing hats in general but she loves yours! My SIL raved about how soft the hat and Alfie are. Thanks again!