Wednesday, June 25, 2008

For clarity..

For everyone who has left comments in the last few days, thank you so much for the wonderful, supportive thoughts, as well the advice, suggestions and offers to listen and help. I appreciate it so much. As those in the trenches know, it can be a lonely, frightening, confusing battle, and having so many people on your side who are willing to truly listen and be there no matter what means everything.

I just want to reassure everyone that I'm very comfortable with my OB (who is not the one who did the sonohysterogram last week - he could have done it blindfolded with his hands tied behind his back and I wouldn't have felt a thing. He's good. He's very good). I trust his advice and his methods and I appreciate his compassion and the genuine care and concern he has shown for us during this journey.

Being at a fertility clinic staffed by a stable of OBs, I'm at the mercy of whoever is on duty the day I head in for monitoring or for a test. I only see my OB when I make an appointment to go over results or to touch base. I just happened to end up with a dud last week, which, in my experience, hasn't happened very often.

Any lags in treatment have been my doing, for the most part. I have no control over the time it takes to get appointments or schedule surgery, but in every other respect My Beloved and I are driving the bus. After the miscarriage last summer I needed a break from the clinic. We felt that since I conceived the twins naturally, we could walk away with confidence. Well, as much confidence as you can have under circumstances like ours. I had follow-up blood work done to rule out clotting disorders and then we walked away.

The miscarriage shattered me in a way I hadn't expected. The winter was dark and hard, and I needed the peace of normalcy. I needed to be away from dildocams and doctors and the torment of monthly poking, prodding and endless exploration. I felt broken, body and soul, and needed time to heal.

I went back to the clinic in May because it felt like the right time to return, and I had some questions I needed answered. The clinic-less gap between last August and May was my doing.

If I was younger and had more mental stamina I might consider hunting down a second or third opinion, but aside from the fact that I really do trust my OB, I just don't have it in me to start from scratch. I can't do all of this all over again. I've had an HSG, three or four IUI's, endless cycles of monitoring, a laproscopy, Clomid, bloodwork and a traumatic miscarriage in the middle of all of it. I can't start again.

At some point you have to know when to say "enough" and let it be. I want a child. But I want my sanity too. And I don't want to lose out on what I have now because all I'm doing is focusing on what I don't have instead. That's no way to live.

We have an appointment to see my OB on the 14th of July to go over the sonohysterogram test results, and at that point we'll figure out where we're headed.

And we'll do it together, My Beloved and I. Just like we always have. His proclamation that we were "done" was simply his way of making sure that I knew that it was okay with him if I needed to stop - that he didn't expect more of me than I could handle.

I knew that. And I love him for it.

So I'm okay. We're okay. And eventually, probably sooner rather than later, we'll make a decision about what the future holds.

Thank you again for your concern. I appreciate it more than you know.


Julia said...

I am so sorry this is where you are. I have been away from my reader for over a week, and missed these latest developments until today. It is a good thing that you are facing this together, as you always have. And I am glad you feel so confident with your OB. I feel the same way about mine, so I get how important that is.
I wish you restful weeks until your appointment and some clarity. My heart hurts for the choice you are facing, for the place where you are. I am thinking of you.

DinosaurD said...

I think all fetility clinics are the same in that you are seen by whoever happens to be working that day - I guess it's too much to ask for your primary doctor to work 7 days a week :-)
At my clinic there is one doctor that always caused me far more physical pain (regardless of the procedure) than the others and it is the one that has an international reputation (that would be a good reputation, not a reputation for causing pain) so go figure.
I know your family (beloved and moms) are not just being supportive but that they are also probably worried about your physical health as well. I have to admit that I would probably have said exactly what they apparently did.
I am wishing for only good news on the 14th but also that whatever news there is might help to bring some clarity for you.

Denise said...

I hope you get the answers you need on the 14th so you can plan what your next move will be.

Whatever you decide to do I hope that the decision is one that brings you the peace that you have been seeking.

niobe said...

Thinking of you. I hope the information you get at your next appointment helps make it clear which is the right path for you. I only wish this weren't so impossibly difficult and painful.

Doodle - said...

I am thinking of you and your beloved.

Kim said...

I am glad to hear that you are happy with YOUR doctor and that things are okay, all things considered.

I hope you're having a GREAT day.