Sunday, June 22, 2008

How?

I have a high threshold of pain. I do. Really, I do. But three attempts at a saline sonohysterogram? (Which, in case you've never had one, involves a clamp and a catheter - and that should be all I need to say for you to understand why, upon attempt three, I thought I was going to die).

But I could have endured that quite handily. Even the emergency run they made to get a tech who they thought might be able to get a better picture of my uterus. Even the repeated injections of saline. Even the failed attempts being blamed on my tipped uterus (and not the OB's incompetence). I could have dealt with it all had they been able to give us good news. Or at least conclusive news.

One OB, two techs, 49 million gallons of saline and that fucking clamp on and off three times.

And at the end? Something. What, they don't know. But something. Probably scar tissue. Maybe scar tissue?

They don't know.

I sat there in a puddle of saline, gel and blood while they told me they just weren't sure what it was they saw, but that there appears to be a blockage of some sort in my uterus.

The OB who did the test (and God help both of us if I ever lay eyes on her again) recommended surgery to determine what exactly it was that they couldn't see. That's what she put in her notes to my OB.

My OB, who I can't see for another three weeks. And only that soon because I lost my shit on the phone with the clinic when they tried to tell me it would be August before I could get in front of him to discuss the fact that there's something lurking in my uterus that's likely the cause of last 12 months of failure.

A spot magically opened up on July 14th when I went into meltdown mode.

So, all in all, it's been a shitty week.

No one has told us we need to stop - or should stop. But this broke me in a way nothing has before. I barely made it out to the car before I burst into tears, scaring the shit out of My Beloved who had no idea what exactly I was crying about.

It was just too much.

I'm not a pussy - I sailed through my HSG, the IUIs and my C-section recovery, even after hemorrhaging and getting a blood infection. I'm strong and stubborn. But this? Somehow it was just too much. It hurt like hell (I'm not sure, but I think she was digging for gold), I'm still spotting five days later, and we have no clear answers. Only the specter of another surgery lurking in the darkness before us.

But I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I have anything left. Like I said, I thought I would walk to the ends of the earth to have another child. But maybe this is what the end looks like. Me, completely out of courage and mental stamina. And hope.

"That's it. We're done. No more." Was My Beloved's conclusion upon finally calming me down enough to allow me to tell him what had gone on in the little exam room.

My Mother agrees. So does his. So do I. Mostly...

But part of me is down on my knees begging someone to tell me how you stop when you have nothing to show for your five years of effort except for an ever increasing stack of therapy receipts, a basement full of unused baby things, and a tiny grave marker.

How? How?

20 comments:

Denise said...

((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry.

Kim said...

Wow.

I wish I say something profound, but I've got nothing. I am praying, as always, and hoping for some better news at your July appt., and for some light at the end of the tunnel.

Aurelia said...

Mothers and husbands always think you should stop because they get too freaked out about seeing us in physical pain.

But only you can decide that, not them.

I'm going to beg you now, to get a second opinion, and a third, and maybe get them from really good docs and not the ones out in your town.

Come downtown, I can get you some names, people, who really really know what the hell they are doing and would never do an hsg like that.

Think about it, and please don't give up unless you really want to deep down. You need to be able to live with this and I get the impression, you aren't ready to.

kate said...

Oh that sounds so horrifying and painful. *three times*???? I am so sorry, i wish i was there to give you a real (((((hug))))).

And yeah, what aurelia said. Listen to her.

Catherine said...

Do YOU want to quit? Don't dis/agree with other people (even those who love you). Take other people entirely out of the equation. Only then can you decide what your own personal limits are. Everything about this hurts and I hate that you have to face this horrible thing (especially after you've already been through so much)...but I'm here cheering you on no matter what you decide...as long as you are deciding it for yourself and not for anybody else.

{{{hugs}}}

cjzben said...

"Mothers and husbands always think you should stop because they get too freaked out about seeing us in physical pain."

This I know to be true :( I don't have the words or know the answers my friend, all I know is that I am standing beside you and you can lean on me whenever you want to. Sending you much love

Roxanne said...

Only you can decide when you want to quit, but I am having a hard time understanding when you've been through everything you've been through why it seems like your docs are not more proactive. Why have you had to wait 12 months to discover this? Why the incompetence? This is f*cked up. I second the advice to find some new docs who will be very proactive and figure out what in the hell is going wrong and how/if it can be fixed. :(

miraclebaby said...

I am just sitting here crying for you. Just know that I'm sorry and I will be sending lots of prayers and (((hugs))) your way.

Heather said...

I just stumbled on your blog via Glow in the Woods, and I have to say how desperately sorry I am to read your story. The trials you have endured are unspeakable, and it truly breaks my heart. I'll keep reading, and praying and hoping for you that you get the resolution to all this chaos that you deserve.

Rosepetal said...

I agree with the others - except that I think you and Sandy have to decide together. What a huge decision. Dammit, I'm sorry my friend. I'm glad your meltdown at least got you an earlier appointment.

kimberm_71 said...

((hugs)) I agree that this needs to be a decision that you are comfortable with. I'm so sorry you had to endure that.

Nikki said...

Kristin my heart is breaking to read of your experience and I want so badly for someone to give you an answer...."something" is not an answer!!! I agree with aurelia that maybe getting other Dr's on board for additional opinions may be a better option!! I just hate to think of you giving up but I know that decision is yours and S's to make...I just want you to have a happy ending ((((((((HUGS)))))))) Im here anytime you need it!!!

annacyclopedia said...

Everyone else is right - only you will know when you are done. But I think you have touched on something really important when you say that maybe this is what the end looks like. It's hard to imagine what the end is for any of us, and more so because it can change and recede like the horizon. I hope that with a bit more time to process this traumatic test and the lack of conclusive outcome and everything that means for you, it will become clear. Or at least clearer.

Wishing and praying for peace and clarity for you.

From the L&F

G said...

I am sorry you had to go through that. Incompetence is all I can think of.

What about trying to get into an RE? I ask because in the diagnosis of my uterine anomaly, they did an in office hysterscopy. For me it barely even hurt, especially compared to the HSG. But even with pain, they would have a camera view in there to see *exactly* what it is. Also, when they got to that point, it wasn't an infertility billing (I am not covered for IF). Just a suggestion and it may get you in faster as RE's seem to have more appts.

Just my thoughts on it. Again, I am so sorry you had to go through all that.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I have no words to express anything else. Big electronic **hug**.

SarahSews said...

I'm so sorry you had to endure that. I had a similar experience when I had a polypectomy during a hysteroscopy (after both an HSG and a sonohysterogram). Pain meds didn't touch the pain, I laid there crying and yelling through the whole thing. I didn't know if I could go on trying after that and when my bleeding didn't stop for over a month I thought I might just want to die.

But it wasn't the end. Once the trauma was past, I found the energy to continue, albeit with a new doctor.

I hope you find someone who can take better care of you. And I hope that you don't let the opinions of others (mothers in particular) influence what you chose to do. Mothers always want you to do whatever seems easiest and least painful.

loribeth said...

You've already had lots of good advice, & I'd probably just say more of the same, so I'm just sending some (((hugs))).

Busted said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is reaching what seems like the end of the road. I don't know if I will ever acknowledge it if I reach that point. All my best to you in whatever you decide.

Pepper said...

That experience sounds awful in so many ways! I'm sorry you had to endure it.

Here's the thing: Clearly the OB and the tech didn't know what they were doing, so much so that they couldn't even come up with a definitive diagnosis. I bet a laparascopy (performed by a *competent* RE) would actually get you answers. And they may even be able to clear up whatever they find, if anything.

If you decide to stop TTC, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. And if you feel you have enough information right now to make that decision, that is for you to decide. I'm only pointing out that there may be a (MUCH less painful) way to get clearer answers.

Hang in there. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Michael, Karen, Morgan, J.D. & Levi said...

I am so sorry for your physical and emotional pain. Listen to your heart on what your next step should be, only YOU can decide what's best for your body. Ask for a 2nd, possibly 3rd opinion until YOU are comfortable. Don't give up your dreams!

You are in my thoughts and prayers!