My Beloved and I had a long discussion about what to do when someone, post trauma, has disappointed you in some way. Or if it's even fair to be disappointed in someone who quietly faded away while you were in the midst of your darkest grief.
Is it fair to expect more of someone than they were able to give?
For three years I've been defiant, arms folded across my chest, chin in the air, my answer a resounding "YES".
Yes, I believed, it IS fair to expect someone to rise to an incredibly difficult challenge when you desperately need them to. Figuring out how to deal with you as a bereaved person instead of the person they once knew. Figuring out how to approach you that first time after. Figuring out how to be there for you when they haven't got a clue what you're going through or what you need.
Yes. I've always thought it was fair to expect those close to you to find a way to do all that.
So many people did, you see. In varying degrees and in different ways, they were there.
But a small few weren't. Not after Thomas. Not after I lost the twins. And now, with no end to the silence in sight, I'm wondering if maybe I really have been expecting too much.
Or if perhaps I'm not, but need to let it go just the same.
My Beloved asked what I'll gain from still being hurt and disappointed in these few.
I had no answer. I will gain nothing from continually allowing myself to feel the sting of their continued absence.
In fact, I will lose. If I let the chasm continue to grow, I will simply be adding further loss to a life that has already seen too much.
My point has always been that it seems wrong for the person who has suffered to have to reach out and pull in those who have stood quietly by and done nothing. It seems unfair for someone who is grieving to have to take care of others; hold them by the hand and tell them what to do to help.
But if we don't, are we any further ahead? If we stand just as quietly on our side of the fence mourning our losses and the loss of much needed support on top of that, are we any better off?
If I could let it go, the answer would be yes. And I have been able to do that in at least one case. But another, I just can't.
"Reach out." He said.
So maybe I will.