Oy, where to start.
I guess the beginning, which, for this blog, was January 2005. My internet adventure was inspired by a good friend's dad who wrote some of the sweetest, funniest things in the last few months of his life while he battled cancer. Yeah, while he battled cancer.
I wanted to do that. To write interesting, funny things about the ordinary bits of my very ordinary life.
I was pregnant with our first child at the time. Thomas. I had already had two miscarriages, one on October 25th, 2003 and a second in March 2004.
Thomas outlived them both. He slipped silently into the world at 5:30pm on March 9th, 2005. The only sound I ever heard him make was one little gasp as I held him while he lay dying.
He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. He still is. I will die knowing there was nothing more beautiful on this earth than the face of my son.
I had a massive placental abruption during delivery. I lived. He died. He was perfect, healthy and strong, but 12 minutes without oxygen was too much for his tiny body. He passed away 20 hours after he was born.
My blog, which was never intended to be a blog about loss, infertility and, eventually, living without children, became anything but ordinary. It became therapy. Really, really fast.
I battled secondary infertility after a bout with septicemia post c-section left me riddled with scar tissue. Armed with nothing more than a severely damaged psyche, one blocked fallopian tube, a misshapen uterus, and the aforementioned scar tissue, I fought the good fight.
We almost won - twice, really - with twins, conceived in late spring 2007.
But they're gone too. Lost at 12 weeks.
And so it's still only the two of us. And that's just the way it's going to be.
My goal is to be living proof that sometimes that's okay. Sometimes the "happy ending" everyone desperately hope you'll get is one that looks just like ours. Because we are happy, in our own little way. We are sad too, of course. We miss what we almost had - every second of every day we miss that boy's sweet little face. But I think we're as happy as you can be with a history like ours.
Yeah, it's not exactly a fairy tale - but it is my story.
And, damn it, I'm writing is as best I can.
15 comments:
Have you seen this post? http://www.fluentself.com/blog/stuff/bolivia/ I think there may be some things there and in the comments to which everyone can relate, and it made me think of a couple of your recent posts.
That is a heart breaking story but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it. Thank you.
ICLW #95
Wow, what a story! We don't always know what life has planned for us, and why things happen in our lives. Thank you for sharing your story, it made me realize that it's okay to continue life and that I'll be able to survive
~Stopping by for ICLW #69
So sorry for your losses. There's nothing like the pain of losing a child. I lost my daughter to preeclampsia/hellp syndrome in April. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts from a fellow BLM.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Every day, I wonder 'What if it doesn't happen for us?' And it's so good to see that there are people out there living that life- and they're happy. You're an amazing woman.
Your story breaks my heart. I often wonder how I would survive if after all this just trying to get pg what would happen if I lost our baby - well I found out at 6 weeks. Now I wonder if I ever did get pg how I would survive if our child was born and then didn't make it. I suppose its just something you live through because you don't have a choice. I'm so glad you are making the most of it. We too are considering that we may life out our life just the two of us. We are hesitantly embracing that idea :) Thanks for sharing your story.
so beautifully written...so honest. thank you for that...
and i'm so sorry for your losses. but glad you are in a good place and that you've found a happy ending.
-ICLW #55
What heartbreaking experiences you've had. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. You seem to have found strength in something that would have knocked many of us to the ground. I'm so glad you found peace.
Take care.
ICLW
I've been reading a long time my friend, but I never knew the full story of what happened to dear sweet Thomas. I think of him often, in fact before I read this I was thinking of him today.
I have ceased to believe in fairness since I became a miscarriage support worker 3 years ago. Your story illusrates why. There is no reason in the world that I can think of that you and your husband (or anyone) should be given hope, to conceive the children you want to love and raise, and even to give birth to one of them, and then have it taken away. Life isn't fair.
Your attitude toward life is beautiful and strong; a great indication of the level of acceptance you have achieved. I'm so glad that you recognize that you are more than your Self as a mother. Your relationship and your life together have value too. It's wonderful that you recognize and cherish that.
Lisa (ICLW #86)
stopping over from ICLW and just am overcome with affection for you as I read your story. my heart goes out to you and i look forward to learing more about you and your dh as you move forward in your life.
I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope you continue to find peace and happiness in your life.
I am glad I stopped by. Your thoughts have touched me.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your children. They have a wonderfully mom.
ICLW
thank you for visiting my blog. i read your post and i cried..how beautifully written it is and so heartbreakingly honest. i have cried many of my own tears for my own loss, but i cannot begin to understand the loss that you have endured. *hugs*
b
I don't think I've ever heard/read all the details of your story either. You've been through a lot, my friend, & I so admire your determination to carve out a great life for yourself & your beloved, regardless. (((hugs)))
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