Sunday, July 29, 2007

Limbo

Well this is interesting, just sitting around waiting to miscarry. It's like there are two little time bombs in there and I have no idea when they're going to go off. Or if they're going to blow, as a matter of fact.

Will they quietly leave me on their own? Will I be in surgery later this week? I dunno.

Fuckity fuck, I don't know.

I'm at my worst when I'm not in control. Although I'm maintaining a calm, collected exterior and trying to function as normally as possible, I'm feeling relatively dead inside. Pardon the morbid pun.

I'm confused by the cruelty of the universe, I'm frightened about how this is all going to go down, and, worst of all, I don't know if I can do it again. Any of it.

Neither of us do.

I sat in church today (don't ask me why - it's not like God can possibly do any more to me, but I'm still too chicken not to traipse over to see him every Sunday) tormenting myself with the thought that I was the only person in that building waiting to miscarry twins. What a weird, lonely thought. And horrible. Just horrible.

Just before communion I became acutely aware of the cacophony of children's coos, cries and chatter echoing around the church, and for the first time ever it made me feel sick. Because I'm a million miles from owning those noises and I don't know if I have the stomach to keep on trying to get them.

How many times can you go through the cycle of hope and agony? How many times until it breaks you? How many times until you finally buckle and lay down at the feet of the gods crying "uncle" over and over again just to make it stop hurting? How many times until the grief twists you into something unrecognizably ugly forever?

I can't decide if not having any children is equal to the pain of losing more of them.

And fuck me, I can't believe I'm being forced to consider that equation at all.

24 comments:

Cibele said...

I am so very sorry. Just want to offer my support and prayers. Hugs

Ruby said...

I'm so sorry Kristen. I too want to offer my support. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Scrappy_Lady said...

I am so sorry.

((hugs)) to you

niobe said...

I wish there were answers. I wish I could do something more than say I'm sorry.

Granny said...

'm sorry doesn't begin to cover it but I can't think of anything else.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Heather said...

I used to be good at math.

Not any more.

I went to church today and prayed for you guys.

Monica said...

I am so sorry you are in this position. As far as your question goes, is not having kids as painful as going through it again, I don't know. I think whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. I will be thinking of you.

Bumble said...

I came over from Adrienne and just wanted to say how so very sorry I am. I'm thinking of you and your family today x

CappyPrincess said...

Kristen, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Your hopes were so high - as were ours for you.

I can't help but to continue to pray for a miracle for you, but also will be sending much love and support no matter what the week ahead brings.

Rosepetal said...

Allow yourself to be ugly for a while so that that while isn't forever. It is just terrible, what you have to live through, and you aren't superwoman, none of us are. I live in a place with lots of little children around and I close the windows when it gets too much to bear.

I don't know you personally but you come across as such a wonderful person, someone anyone would be fighting over to have as a friend. The universe a place with no logical rules assigned to the dishing out of crap.

((((Kristin))))

delphi said...

I just want to curse at the unfairness of it all. Thinking of you.

Bronwyn said...

Thinking of you both. It is supremely unfair that you have to go through this hellish situation. You both deserve every happiness and this shouldn't be part of the bargain.

(And just to point out one teeny, tiny glimmer of something positive in all of this -- at least you know that you can conceive all by yourself. I know that's a long way from carrying a live, healthy baby to term, but it's a darned good first step.)

Sending you beams of love and virtual friendship. (((Big, big hug)))

Sherry said...

I wish I could do ~anything~ right now to make this easier. And, I'm so sorry that I can't - I hate that you're so sad. = (

Continuing to send prayers your way ...

Anonymouse said...

I know how you feel. It sucks. Hang in there.

Rosemarie said...

I'm so upset and angry for you. I can't believe this is happening. I wish I could just take your pain away and make it all better.

I'm so so so very sorry.

Ann Smith said...

I can't believe this either. I'm so sorry.

A few years ago, after I'd had another horrendous loss and my family was reeling, a cousin said to my sister that some of the strongest, most wonderful, most positive people she knows are people who've been through hell.

It didn't make the hurt and pain go away, but it helped me feel that I wasn't alone. And you are not alone, Kristen.

((Hugs)) and prayers for you and Sandy.

Kim said...

I hate to even offer the "ladybug onesie" type story, but I have a friend who was told she was going to miscarry - that she had a blighted ovum, and she was bleeding, and there was nothing on the u/s, so she was just waiting. Like you. Her blighted ovum is now ten years old and one of the most delightful girls I've ever met.

So in that vein, I am praying very hard for a miracle for you. And I am praying that you will have all kinds of comfort if that miracle doesn't happen.

Adrienne said...

I am so very very sorry.

BasilBean said...

It is so unfair that you are having to go through this. I wish there was something I could say or do to make things better. I will continue to hold you and Sandy in my thoughts.

Shelli said...

I am so sorry. I ponder the unfairness of the universe every day too.

Angela said...

I don't even know what to say. What can anybody say? This is so ridiculous, so cruel.

(((hugs))) to you, Kristin. I know I'm just a person "in the computer," but you are in my thoughts a lot these days and I wanted to show you my support. I don't pray much any more, but I'm sure praying hard for you and your babies now.

-Angela

Janelle said...

You were alone in the church, but you aren't alone in the world. We love, love, LOVE you Kristin.

kate said...

I can't believe it either, it just is so horribly cruel and wrong. I am so sorry, inadequate as those words are. Sending (((((hugs)))))

Elizabeth said...

Your post broke my heart.