Friday, July 11, 2008

This date in history

A year ago today I found out that I was pregnant with the twins. Those two lines (on a test I was only taking because I was convinced I had cancer or some terrible disease causing what I thought was mid-cycle spotting) marked the start of a six-week nightmare. Joy. Fleeting hope. Despair. Resignation. Fear. Sorrow.

Four years ago today I found out that I was pregnant with Thomas. Those two lines (on a test I took because I knew I was pregnant) marked the start of the sweetest 8 months of my life. Until that too ended in unthinkable sorrow.

Today passed quietly and uneventfully. I didn't pee on any sticks because this July 11th there was no need to.

The triggers are everywhere and the ghosts of both happier times and desperate times loom large. The smell of summer skin, garden blossoms, the hot pavement after it rains - they all remind me of being pregnant and not being pregnant.

Summer isn't always all it's cracked up to be.

8 comments:

Julia said...

Oh, shoot. Both on the same day. Calendar mind games is something I am very good at playing too. And sensory triggers.
Wishing you gentle days. Gentler, at least.

bleu said...

Sending love.

Abby said...

((((HUGS)))) and sunshine...

miraclebaby said...

Thinking of you (((hugs)))

Rosepetal said...

Both on the same day is indeed tough. lots of hugs my friend.

loribeth said...

These "anniversary" dates are forever engraved on our hearts. And doubly, triply so for you!! (((hugs)))

kimberm_71 said...

(((Kristin)))) I don't think I ever realized you took both tests on the same day

CG said...

Im so sorry for the losses. Will keep you in my prayers today.