Wednesday, July 27, 2005

All you have to do is dream

I had yet another bizarre dream last night. I have no idea why I'm dreaming such strange, vivid dreams, but they're coming fast and furious. A few weeks ago it was Luke Perry with a crush on me, then the next night Barbara Streisand and I hanging out together, but both of us paraplegic and in wheelchairs.

This time I was wandering around the train station in a short nightgown with a severe case of bed head and no underpants on. I suddenly became aware that I shouldn't be dressed like that in public (or undressed, as the case may be) but it was too late. I tried to get back to my car, but just kept wandering through the parking lot and eventually finding myself back in the train station. At one point I dropped my wallet and when I went to pick it up I found a photo of me and a little boy. The little boy had his back to the camera, but he had a head of big, sandy curls (just like I imagine Thomas would have had at that age). Every time I looked at the picture it changed - I would have somehow moved, but I think the boy stayed the same.

I guess it's because I am moving on and Thomas will forever be a little boy.

I remember it terrified me that the picture kept changing and I was sure I was going insane. The fact that I was half naked and wandering around that way was also pretty compelling evidence. I eventually forced myself to wake up and was very happy to find myself in bed - and appropriately dressed for it.

I've had a number of crazy dreams lately, but I also had a sweet dream that my beloved and I were tickling Thomas on our bed. He was dressed in a little red t-shirt and blue pants and he was laughing and squealing with delight. His little face was just beaming with happiness. He looked to be about 18 months old, but he didn't look at all like what I would expect him to look like at that age.

I woke up so happy from that dream. I know it'll never happen, of course, but for some reason it made me so happy. I'd like to think it was Thomas' way of telling me he's okay - that he's happy, blissfully so - and that he hopes we will be too.

I'm trying, Thomas, I really am. Mommy misses you.

1 comment:

Al said...


I am not the type of person to comment on random peoples' blogs... but I have to tell you, I was just flipping through random blogs here and fell upon yours. I can't beleive what I am reading, here in tears and feeling what must be a pinch of the gripping greif you have been experiencing. I read one of your entries and had to go through and read another, and another...

And I just needed to let you know that your life, as you live it, although things happen that no one is able to understand or explain or swallow; it touches others.
Even what I have experienced here, just reading your heart, has touched me and casued me to grow a little bit through the pain i have shared with yours.
So thank you. And I beleive that horrible things, like what has happened to you and your husband, can be turned around and used for good. Even for the good of random people like me, and even for the good of the mother.