I was all set to write about Lumphead and Loni (which, according to a friend's two-year old son, is what my beloved and I are named), but that will have to wait for another time. Today I have to thank a stranger instead.
With the exception of a few friends who have told me they check my blog regularly, I have no idea who reads my words or, for that matter, what they think of them. I always assume I must depress the hell out of anyone brave enough to wander over here to see what might be on my mind, but the words keep coming nonetheless. I can't stop them. I need to keep writing to survive, you see.
I know that a lot of my survival is also due to the prayers of countless friends, both real and virtual, who have prayed for me, my beloved and our Thomas since his death. I know because there's no other way to explain how I've been able wake up every morning, get out of bed and live each day without my beautiful baby boy. There's no other way to explain how I can possibly have the hope that I do for our future or how I can even conceive of a future without Thomas.
What I didn't know is that there is a stranger who prays for me everyday too. It means so much to me because I've been having a hard time praying for myself and have been relying on others more than I'm sure they realize. It's been hard for me to talk to God and ask him for help. I pleaded with him while I was still in surgery, half out of my mind with terror because I knew something had gone horribly wrong, but God had already made his decision. If he couldn't help me then, the time I needed him most, how can I be sure he'll help me now?
I've struggled so much with this, and have all but given up. I can easily pray for others because I have no evidence to suggest that those prayers will go unanswered, but for me? It's a little harder. I hope one day I'll find my way back to the trusting relationship I always had with God (I'm trying, I really am) but for now I'm wary and, for the most part, just pray for my friends instead.
That's why I'm so grateful to know that a total stranger is praying for me. I'm grateful that your relationship with God is a stronger one than mine right now, and I'm grateful that you were both kind enough and thoughtful enough to tell me that I'm in your prayers.
Thank you so much, stranger, for letting me know. I promise I'll pray for you too.