Monday, July 25, 2005

Thank you, stranger

I was all set to write about Lumphead and Loni (which, according to a friend's two-year old son, is what my beloved and I are named), but that will have to wait for another time. Today I have to thank a stranger instead.

With the exception of a few friends who have told me they check my blog regularly, I have no idea who reads my words or, for that matter, what they think of them. I always assume I must depress the hell out of anyone brave enough to wander over here to see what might be on my mind, but the words keep coming nonetheless. I can't stop them. I need to keep writing to survive, you see.

I know that a lot of my survival is also due to the prayers of countless friends, both real and virtual, who have prayed for me, my beloved and our Thomas since his death. I know because there's no other way to explain how I've been able wake up every morning, get out of bed and live each day without my beautiful baby boy. There's no other way to explain how I can possibly have the hope that I do for our future or how I can even conceive of a future without Thomas.

What I didn't know is that there is a stranger who prays for me everyday too. It means so much to me because I've been having a hard time praying for myself and have been relying on others more than I'm sure they realize. It's been hard for me to talk to God and ask him for help. I pleaded with him while I was still in surgery, half out of my mind with terror because I knew something had gone horribly wrong, but God had already made his decision. If he couldn't help me then, the time I needed him most, how can I be sure he'll help me now?

I've struggled so much with this, and have all but given up. I can easily pray for others because I have no evidence to suggest that those prayers will go unanswered, but for me? It's a little harder. I hope one day I'll find my way back to the trusting relationship I always had with God (I'm trying, I really am) but for now I'm wary and, for the most part, just pray for my friends instead.

That's why I'm so grateful to know that a total stranger is praying for me. I'm grateful that your relationship with God is a stronger one than mine right now, and I'm grateful that you were both kind enough and thoughtful enough to tell me that I'm in your prayers.

Thank you so much, stranger, for letting me know. I promise I'll pray for you too.


Amanda said...

hi again..maybe i'm the stranger? it's funny that i came here to look for a second day in a row..but the post definitely caught my eye! I don't even know either one of you but I find you absolutely amazing's like I can actually see, feel, smell..everything just through your words. you touch me deeply, you make me grateful and you make me question life at the same time..I ask, "why did these two people who are so in love, so in tune with God, so neat..why did this happen to them?" But it just makes you realize that God does work in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason..although I am sure without a doubt that you will throw up if you have to hear that one more time! And by the way, Kristin, you seem to be SO stong, in fact the opposite of what you seem to think of yourself. To others, who cannot even imagine the unbearable pain and confusion and suffering that you are going are a true HERO. To actually make it through this and get up the nerve to write and express yourself and talk about other things is a feat I can't even comprehend. Know that you are amazing people, and know that without a doubt in my mind that you will be TRULY happy once again. I know it. I pray for it and I believe that God answers prayers. You're always in my heart and in my prayers still...amanda in oklahoma

kimberm71 said...

While I know I am not the stranger you wrote about, I am a different "stranger" who does read your blog. Well, I guess we're not strangers (maybe virtual friends?) but we've never met.

Since your tragedy, I've thought of you and Sandy from time-to-time. Then, I started reading your blog and it's like I've been transported into your world. (Has anyone ever told you that you make pictures when you write?) Now, I read it to check up on you. I know you are trying to be as brave as possible on the outside, but on the inside, I know you must be in turmoil (or so I think).

I hope you don't mind that I read your blog. I'm guessing you don't or you wouldn't have posted a link to your website in your siggy and then a link to your blog.

I want you to know that you have a friend in Chicago who also thinks and prays for you. Is it strange that people you've never met think and pray for you? I don't know. I don't know if anyone like that thinks or prays for me. (I'm a pesimest so I guess I think no one does).

I'll quit babbling now and let you have your blog back but before I do, I always think of your family of three and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim, located somewhere @Chicago.