Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Lettuce and a tomato

I had to run out for lettuce and a tomato. I did what I could to avoid it because I'm feeling so lazy today, but the dinner I need the lettuce and tomato for is painfully simple and I couldn't really justify not making a quick run to the store. So I did.

I wasn't too bothered by the fact that somehow I managed to trail a pregnant woman throughout the store, as if she was on the same lettuce and tomato mission as me, but my breaking point came when I reached the checkout line. I know I've written about this before, but it happened again. The shortest and most logical line had a newborn baby in it and if I chose that line I'd have to stand right behind a new Mom gently cradling a baby in her arms.

I looked frantically for another line and tried to mentally count what was buried in my basket to see if I qualified for the express checkout, but I would have looked foolish opting to go to a line that was packed and I was pretty sure I had more than 11 items. So I slowly inched into the newborn baby line.

Oh God, she was so beautiful. I was so close that I could see her little peach fuzz hair catching the light streaming through the windows. I know just how that tiny head felt because I can still feel the way Thomas' felt under my hand. Warm and soft and alive.

It's hard to describe how useless, empty and broken I feel when I'm confronted by a newborn. I was holding a basket of food and that serene, content new Mom was holding a child. I know strangers can't see - can't tell that I lost my son - but I still feel like there's a giant neon sign above my head screaming "BROKEN" and pointing at me.

I'm sure I must have looked like an idiot because I couldn't take my eyes off that little bundle. When the Mom turned towards me to walk around her baby carriage I smiled at her - a weak, unreal smile - but she didn't see me. I wanted, in my smile, to tell her that I had a baby once too and he was beautiful and soft and sweet just like hers. I wanted my smile to somehow convey to her that I was also a mother - that we had that in common - even though I was holding a basket of food instead of my child. I don't know why I cared so much what she did or didn't think of me, but it didn't matter anyway because she only had eyes for her daughter.

Sometimes I hate going out for lettuce and a tomato.


andreanna said...

I really hope you dont mind that I check your website from time to time to see how you are doing. I pray each day for you and wonder how you are doing. Your posts make me cry but dont feel bad, I cry for your sorrow. Its like I can see your soul through your words. I came soo close to losing Sophia twice and wonder if I could be as strong as you if I were faced with that reality.
Your post today was soo lovely , how you describe the night walks and the shadow of your little boy skipping along. I am soo glad you have that happy feeling to hold on to and I pray you always have the joy of knowing you are a family of 3 and he IS with you. I will be overjoyed for you when you become a family of 4. And I pray that the child waiting in the wings to join your family is close and doesnt keep the three of you waiting. I bet your son is just letting her/him in on some last minutes things before he sends her/him down to you.

Again my prayers are with you all. God Bless

rachel said...

Oh Kristin..I wish I could give you a huge hug. You are not broken. The cracks and fractures that you see have been filled in and you are stronger than you know.

Your writing is so beautiful.

I know Thomas is proud, so very proud of you.

Amanda said...

I too, hope you don't mind that a complete stranger reads your blogs. I'm a good friend of Jake and Abby's and your link is on there and the first time I visited your page, I became hooked with how beautiful your words and thoughts are. I sometimes find myself crying and I do pray for you everyday. I don't think there's anything a complete stranger can even say to make anything better. Just know that with your words and thoughts and emotions, you have touched and inspired a total stranger.You don't seem broken at all to me, you seem very very strong. much love. God Bless.