I feel like writing, but I can't think of anything to write that isn't desperately sad. Maybe it didn't help that we just finished watching a really depressing 60 minutes episode about a murdered New York financial analyst. Maybe that was a stupid thing to watch (hindsight really is 20/20, as it turns out). We have a enough to be sad about without watching other people's despair on TV.
And the worst thing is, I know their pain.
Our son wasn't murdered (and I can't even begin to understand what that feels like) but we do know the pain of losing a child. I watched the woman's father literally stagger into the church for his daughter's funeral and I saw him standing, stunned and pained, watching the priest incense her coffin. And I know the unfathomable pain he was experiencing at that very moment. I know because I remember it all too well.
It's horrific to think that there are two people in the world who know that pain. It's even more horrific to know there are thousands of us out there. It just shouldn't be.
It shouldn't be.
See? I can't find a happy thought anywhere at the moment. I know there has to be one in me somewhere, but I can't find it. That nasty pool of sorrow I mentioned yesterday has me in its icy grip.
But I can swim, and so I'm going to try very hard to think of 5 really happy things and write them down.
1. I'm a grown-up and I if I want to eat a bowl full of icing, I can. And I did - just the other day. I made a bowl of vanilla icing and sat down and ate the whole thing. Because I could.
2. I'm in love with the world's most perfect man. Okay, the most perfect man in the world for me.
3. That perfect man is in love with me too. And there's no doubt in my mind that he always will be, and so will I.
4. It was really hot out today and when it got too hot in our house we were able to put the air conditioning on and cool off. We're so lucky that we're able to have that luxury.
5. I have some very good friends, both in real life and on my chat board, who support me and care about me and are always there for me no matter how depressing I happen to be at any given moment.
Hey, this is working - I feel a little happier. I still wish we hadn't watched the show about the murdered financial analyst, but counting your blessings really does seem to work. Who knew?
Maybe I should do this a lot more often - especially when the waves are at their most threatening and the pool is at its darkest and deepest.
I just hope that no matter what, I can remember to keep counting.