Sunday, July 31, 2005

Too sad for a Saturday night

I had a great day. The sun was shining, it wasn't too hot, my beloved made me a wonderful breakfast (there's nothing like pancakes and steaming hot, fresh coffee on a sunny Saturday morning!) and I finally dragged out the cross stitch Christmas lap quilt I've been meaning to start since April. We didn't do much of anything today, and it was WONDERFUL just being here together and being lazy little slugs.

But now it's night. At night you can see into the windows of the houses behind ours when they have their lights on and their curtains open. The family with the new baby have chosen to do just that. I know I was stupid for looking, but I did. I saw the new Grandma tenderly leaning over the crib, fussing with her new granddaughter, and I knew she was doing what I wish, with all my heart, my Mom had been able to do. She was loving her grandchild - changing her and making her all comfy cozy.

I kept looking. It was like a train wreck.

After the grandma was finished, the new mommy stepped in, picked up her baby girl and gently tucked her up into her neck for a cuddle.

It was at that point that I managed to tear myself away. I came upstairs, looking for a little comfort from my beloved. I didn't tell him what happened - I just wanted to be near him. He doesn't need to know I'm sad in order to give me comfort. I find it in his face, his smile, his humour and in his love for me. And I'm greedy - I'll take every bit of comfort I can, even when he doesn't even know he's giving it.

I popped onto the computer for further distraction. Scanning my chat board I noticed that someone had posted about a loss on another board and asked the members of our board to pray for this poor, devastated family. I didn't want to, but I had to know.

They think their son died as a result of SIDS. He was 6 months old and just adorable. I looked at the pictures, stunned and in utter shock that another beautiful boy could be gone. It doesn't make sense and it isn't fair. My beloved saw me reading it - saw me looking at the pictures - and told me to stop. I know he worries about me and thinks I can't handle sorrow on top of sorrow, but I couldn't not read this poor woman's story. I know her pain, so how could I ignore it, streaming from every agonizing word in her blog?

I did all I could. I prayed to Thomas and asked him to help me help her. Then I left her a message. I hope it somehow gives her comfort and shows her that she DOES have the strength to carry on without her son. I don't know we survive, but I know somehow we do.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for her. She'll need the kind of prayers I know must have been said for me in those early days. Those are the ones that carried me through, as if on angel's wings, and brought me safely here to another Saturday night.

I just wish it wasn't such a sad one.

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