Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Agony

I can't get Catherine off my mind.

The part of me that wants desperately to preserve my sanity (not to mention my faith in life and fairness and goodness and a grand plan that actually somehow makes sense) keeps trying to push thoughts of the hell she must be going through out of my mind.

But the part of me that knows her sorrow has doubled - unthinkably so - and can't fathom what agony she must be in right now just can't stop thinking about it.

About how unbelievably cruel this is. About how no one should have to suffer this once, let alone twice. About how horrific it is that this shitstorm is raining down on such a kind soul who has done so much to help so many.

And this is her reward.

I don't understand this at all. I just don't. And there's no one to ask why - why this happened to Catherine. Why it happens to anyone. And what answer could possibly make sense of any of this anyway - what on earth could justify this horror being inflicted on someone? Twice??

I know lightning strikes twice. I get the quarterly SHARE newsletters. In every issue I read the names of countless lost souls, some with sisters and brother here on earth, but many with other siblings in heaven, and I shudder at the thought of doing this twice. Dealing with death when you should be reveling in new life. Planning a funeral instead of a baptism. Burying your child instead of bringing it home. Spending the rest of your life in silent, disguised agony because a piece of your soul died when your child did.

I did it all once - I'm still doing it - and it nearly ate me alive. Catherine has to do it all again. AGAIN.

She has to take those first, terrifying steps into a new life as a new person with a wound so profound it defies description.

Oh my God, Catherine. I'm so sorry.

6 comments:

Laura said...

I cannot stop thinking about her--I can't get my brain around what happened. I was just going to post about this, too. Maybe I still will, except you've already said it so beautifully. I am just so angry and bewildered.

Jennifer said...

I can not stop thinking about Catherine and her family either. They have been in my thoughts so often since I read the news on Sunday. I actually feel sick about it.

I read a lot of the blogs you have listed and those of the people that post here even though I have not expierienced any kind of loss. I can not fathom what you go through every day but my heart does go out to you and I think of all of you more than you know.

-JPup

Julie said...

I can't stop thinking of her either. I haven't been able to sleep in days because of it. I am angry, and hurt, and want to know why (not that that would fix it). And yet, as much as it is hurting me, I KNOW it's not even close to the agony she is feeling. I am so heartbroken and sick for Cathy and Steve, and yet can't begin to imagine how heartbroken they are.

Sherry said...

I can't stop thinking about Catherine, either. I wanted to blog about it, too, but I can't put enough of my random thoughts together to make any sort of sense - not that there's any to be had right now.

As stupefied as I am that my baby never left the hospital, I can't even get close to imagining how it would feel to experience that sort of tragedy twice. I'm stunned that it actually and unfortunately happens, because it's just so unfair and wrong. Beyond that, I'm numb.

All I can do is continue to pray for her and her family's strength to deal with this unending pain.

the ockers said...

Kristin, this was beautifully put. thankyou for writing what we all feel. you are so good at knowing the right words to say.

kate said...

Me too.... :( I wish i knew what to do...