I can't get Catherine off my mind.
The part of me that wants desperately to preserve my sanity (not to mention my faith in life and fairness and goodness and a grand plan that actually somehow makes sense) keeps trying to push thoughts of the hell she must be going through out of my mind.
But the part of me that knows her sorrow has doubled - unthinkably so - and can't fathom what agony she must be in right now just can't stop thinking about it.
About how unbelievably cruel this is. About how no one should have to suffer this once, let alone twice. About how horrific it is that this shitstorm is raining down on such a kind soul who has done so much to help so many.
And this is her reward.
I don't understand this at all. I just don't. And there's no one to ask why - why this happened to Catherine. Why it happens to anyone. And what answer could possibly make sense of any of this anyway - what on earth could justify this horror being inflicted on someone? Twice??
I know lightning strikes twice. I get the quarterly SHARE newsletters. In every issue I read the names of countless lost souls, some with sisters and brother here on earth, but many with other siblings in heaven, and I shudder at the thought of doing this twice. Dealing with death when you should be reveling in new life. Planning a funeral instead of a baptism. Burying your child instead of bringing it home. Spending the rest of your life in silent, disguised agony because a piece of your soul died when your child did.
I did it all once - I'm still doing it - and it nearly ate me alive. Catherine has to do it all again. AGAIN.
She has to take those first, terrifying steps into a new life as a new person with a wound so profound it defies description.
Oh my God, Catherine. I'm so sorry.