Friday, May 26, 2006

Memories and smiles and tears

This is my third attempt at an entry. I can't seem to wrap my head around one, coherent train of thought long enough to keep it from derailing.

Except that one.

I have too many things in my head and not enough time or energy to spill it all out on to the screen in an orderly, readable fashion I guess.

I'm craving cookies and missing Thomas. I'm tired and happy. Well, mostly happy. But I'm a little lost too. And wishing I could turn back time. Go back to 1989 and dance to Madonna. Go back to 1994 and start my first real job. Go back to 1996 and have one too many Caesars with lunch. Go back to 1999 and go on date with My Beloved. Go back to 2001 and plan our wedding. Go back to 2005 and hold Thomas again, just one more time.

I'm distressed that I'm not savoring NOW the way I know I should. I'm always wishing I was somewhere I've already been or somewhere I have yet to go. I have moments of peace, and I appreciate what I have - but not the way I wish I could. Not the way I do when I'm looking back on those moments as memories.

I have no idea why.

It's good to have fond memories to look back on (even those precious few bittersweet moments with Thomas), but it would be nice if I could look on them with more than wistfulness and sorrow.

Does everyone do this? Get misty-eyed and sad when they think of happy times gone by?

I try very, very hard to heed this advice:

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

But I for some reason I can't. I guess I'm just too good at crying now. Or maybe I always have been and life just continues to help me hone my skills.


Where's that picture of Lucy??


Emma's Mum said...

Wow - you just captured how I am feeling right now. Counting the days until something in the future and thinking back on happier/different/innocent days. I keep looking at my calendar as if is going to change. I guess I don't really have any wise words for you, but know that there is another person out there feeling these things. I hope that gives you some comfort -- especially since your entry has certainly helped me.

miraclebaby said...

I never really thought about it, but I tend to cry because those happy times are over, not rejoice in the fact that they happened at all... definitely food for thought. But I don't think there is anything wrong with wishing you had just one more moment like the short one with Thomas. I wish more than anything in the world that we had been given the option of holding our Kaily, but maybe they figured she was so small we wouldn't want to? I cry for the things we never got to experience with her. But I am thankful still that I am her mother. And some days I just long for the innocent days when I thought most women just got pregnant and had babies. My life looked a certain way then; very different than it does now.

Anonymous said...

Your not alone to look back on past memories and have a cry I still do and wish I could have one more moment or one chance to make things different. I think there is nothing wrong to wanting to dance to Madonna again, or start your first job or have your first date with DH or hold Thomas once more, there happy memories and yes even Thoams is a happy memory he brought so much joy in such a short time and contines to be a happy memory for all of us. Sending you (((HUGS)))

Teresa said...

I often yearn for those happy times when I'm blue too. It's a bag of memories we all dip into now and again... But if you find that living in the past is where you're spending most of your reflective time, maybe it's time to shake things up a bit? I don't mean by boogying across the living room to some Duran2 (as fun as that can be), but being proactive in making new memories. I find that when I'm wishing for things gone by; I'm not being proactive in the now. Have you thought of travelling to some exotic destination to experience the wonders of a simpler culture? There are lots of 'work' vacations you can research on the web, by teaching children to read or speak English, digging wells, HIV education.... I've heard they can be very rewarding. Or maybe take a course on something completely new? Just a thought...