Mother's Day is just four days away. Last year it crashed into me while I was still in the deep, dark days of physical and mental recovery and it was here and gone almost before I knew it. It was just another hazy day of grief, heightened by the joy we should have been feeling, but were denied.
We spent the day celebrating our own mothers, My Beloved and I, and not thinking too much about the fact that I was one too. He bought me a beautiful card, and my sister-in-law sent me a very sweet e-mail a few days later, but everyone else very quietly let the day pass without a mention of my status as a Mother.
We all pretended I wasn't dying inside, I suppose.
No one knew what to do, and I didn't either. How do you celebrate that day when you child is dead? I still don't know. And it's going to arrive and torment me every single May until the day I die. An annual kick in the crotch.
Cards, commercials, ads, television shows - all reminding me of the little joys I should be enjoying, but never will. Thomas bringing me burned toast and warm juice in bed. Thomas proudly presenting me with handful of dandelions. Thomas giving me sloppy boy kisses and a card he made himself.
Never going to happen.
An angel in heaven is nice an all, but not as nice as those things. Not to me.
And so I hate Mother's Day. I hate it for re-opening a would I try so hard to keep closed. I hate it for making everyone around me uncomfortable. I hate it for making me think so hard about the little soul I'm missing. I hate it for reminding me that I'm broken and may never have another child. I hate it for reminding me that I will never fully heal.
I hate it for making me cry.
5 comments:
I hate Mother's day, too. I stumbled onto your blog and it's good to know my feelings are normal. We lost our first child 4 months into pregnancy a few days before Father's day last year. Last Mother's day I was pregnant and joyful. This one I happen to be pregnant again, but so fearful. And when people make comments about how I will understand this or that when I am a mom it upsets me because I AM a mother. You are too, never forget it (like you ever could anyway). I don't know how we celebrate our motherhood, but it is real and nobody can take it away....
I am crying too.
Gosh, you hit the nail on the head with everything I've been feeling over the last week.
This Mother's Day will be so painfully different than last year's, where I was still safely pregnant and stupidly naive.
But, the fact remains that we ARE mothers, even if our children are angels. That's one thing that can never be taken from us.
I just need to put a link on my blog to yours, because you've been right on with what I've been feeling, too :) *sigh*
I started crying in my car just yesterday and wishing this stupid week would just.be.over.
i like to spend 'Mother's Day' digging in the garden and ignoring the world. Works for me....
I hate it for making you(and Sher, and all the other Mommies to angel babies) cry too.
I will be thinking of you on Sunday (as every other day) and will say a special prayer for you.
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