Tuesday, May 30, 2006

News and envy and other ugly thoughts

I was watering my angel garden this afternoon, lost in thought, when my neighbour called over the fence to tell me that his wife is being induced tomorrow. She's due on Friday but for a number of reasons they're handing baby an eviction notice tomorrow instead. A May baby, if all goes quickly for her.

I was genuinely excited, I really was (even though I felt a weird little something in the pit of my tummy). I dropped the hose and ran over to the fence to hear the details.

Poor guy, he looked like a deer in headlights. He had that same "oh good GOD it's here" look My Beloved did when they started the induction process with me. That look lasted right through my C-section three days later, poor thing. Nine months passes slowly for the one carrying the load, but evidently it whips by for the onlooker whose job is really just beginning when the first contraction hits.

They're going to have a baby tomorrow.

I swear I was excited when I heard the news. I was. I am.

But I still found myself sobbing my heart out just the same once I finished my gardening and came back inside.

We were right where they are. One night we went to bed believing our little one would be born safely the next day too. We were them not so long ago.

I envy them so much, I do. They're where we were before hell broke lose spilling despair, fear and ugly things like envy, disillusionment and hate into our lives. I wish we could go back to that perfect moment, that last night, when Thomas was safe inside me - alive and perfect.

I don't quite know what to do with all the things in my head and in my heart tonight.

I hate when my peace is shaken by news that should be nothing but happy. I hate that so much.

9 comments:

kate said...

(((((((hugs)))))) I hope their baby comes tomorrow, safe and sound...and i am sorry that it wasn't that way for you too....

Erin said...

(((((HUGS)))))
I wish I had the magic words to make it all ok for you.

Denise said...

I think it is only natural to have that reaction. I think the fact you have been so gracious and excited for them is nothing short of amazing. I don't think I could have done it. Many hugs to you.

hoping4_zzzsss said...

*HUGS* I think you are reacting exactly the way any of us would in that situation. The immediate happy, the hesitant happy, the 'go away, i'm done being happy now'. *HUGS*

Catherine said...

I hate it too and I'm just so sorry you have reason to feel any of these things. But if you find a way to deal with them...please let me in on the secret, ok?

Bronwyn said...

It sucks to have all of these conflicting thoughts. You handled your neighbor's news so graciously. The angel garden sounds beautiful, btw. I'm sure Thomas appreciates it!

miraclebaby said...

Wow, you are really an amazing woman. I really wrestled with God every time one of my friends got pregnant while we were still trying. I even now have twinges of jealousy. It's normal for it to knock the wind out of you sometimes thinking about what would have been. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but kudos to you for being happy for them, too. It took me a while to get there, and I didn't even carry our baby for 9 months.

Abby said...

Don't feel bad about feeling any which way, just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel and take care of you.

Sending a heap of H&S your way.

Nikki said...

Kristin I think its perfectly normal to have the reaction you did I think its rather amazing that you can be excited but no it also must be hard to think back to yourself being where they are knowing what you know. (((HUGE HUGS))))