I was watering my angel garden this afternoon, lost in thought, when my neighbour called over the fence to tell me that his wife is being induced tomorrow. She's due on Friday but for a number of reasons they're handing baby an eviction notice tomorrow instead. A May baby, if all goes quickly for her.
I was genuinely excited, I really was (even though I felt a weird little something in the pit of my tummy). I dropped the hose and ran over to the fence to hear the details.
Poor guy, he looked like a deer in headlights. He had that same "oh good GOD it's here" look My Beloved did when they started the induction process with me. That look lasted right through my C-section three days later, poor thing. Nine months passes slowly for the one carrying the load, but evidently it whips by for the onlooker whose job is really just beginning when the first contraction hits.
They're going to have a baby tomorrow.
I swear I was excited when I heard the news. I was. I am.
But I still found myself sobbing my heart out just the same once I finished my gardening and came back inside.
We were right where they are. One night we went to bed believing our little one would be born safely the next day too. We were them not so long ago.
I envy them so much, I do. They're where we were before hell broke lose spilling despair, fear and ugly things like envy, disillusionment and hate into our lives. I wish we could go back to that perfect moment, that last night, when Thomas was safe inside me - alive and perfect.
I don't quite know what to do with all the things in my head and in my heart tonight.
I hate when my peace is shaken by news that should be nothing but happy. I hate that so much.